Kakashi nodded. He'd been expecting that answer, if he was honest. Yamato was a stickler for the rules, of course... but he also valued his reputation and his position.
"Speaking of that mission," Kakashi said, shifting the book out of his lap and closing it as he deposited it on the table. He turned his body just slightly, so that he could look lazily into Yamato's face, his expression a gentle one despite the startling subject he was about to discuss. "You know I didn't include any details of what we went through in my report? What we felt because of what we saw?... And before you jump to conclusions, it wasn't for your sake. It was a selfish act for my own. I was afraid of my worth being questioned if I showed any weakness, but..." Kakashi shrugged a shoulder, averting his eyes suddenly as he realised the nature of the territory he was heading into. Who would have thought that talking about something like this for the first time would be hard.
"I took every opportunity to face it head on. I forced myself into caves, I staged rockfall. I trained myself to be over-careful. I trained myself out of letting the fear beat me." He couldn't loook at Yamato, but he could get this out. He couldn't remember when he'd closed his eyes, but he pressed them shut a fraction tighter, his hand firming where it had fallen to the other man's shoulder.
"It wasn't weakness... It was fear, and fear is nothing to be ashamed of. I... forced myself to turn that fear into focus, into adrenalin, into willpower... It didn't happen overnight. It didn't fix entirely, but I handled it."
That was when he opened his eyes to look at Yamato.
"I would have told you, but I was selfish. I wanted to fix myself so you wouldn't need to put yourself in that position again, because I'd support you, but then I-..." But then I left ANBU.
no subject
"Speaking of that mission," Kakashi said, shifting the book out of his lap and closing it as he deposited it on the table. He turned his body just slightly, so that he could look lazily into Yamato's face, his expression a gentle one despite the startling subject he was about to discuss. "You know I didn't include any details of what we went through in my report? What we felt because of what we saw?... And before you jump to conclusions, it wasn't for your sake. It was a selfish act for my own. I was afraid of my worth being questioned if I showed any weakness, but..." Kakashi shrugged a shoulder, averting his eyes suddenly as he realised the nature of the territory he was heading into. Who would have thought that talking about something like this for the first time would be hard.
"I took every opportunity to face it head on. I forced myself into caves, I staged rockfall. I trained myself to be over-careful. I trained myself out of letting the fear beat me." He couldn't loook at Yamato, but he could get this out. He couldn't remember when he'd closed his eyes, but he pressed them shut a fraction tighter, his hand firming where it had fallen to the other man's shoulder.
"It wasn't weakness... It was fear, and fear is nothing to be ashamed of. I... forced myself to turn that fear into focus, into adrenalin, into willpower... It didn't happen overnight. It didn't fix entirely, but I handled it."
That was when he opened his eyes to look at Yamato.
"I would have told you, but I was selfish. I wanted to fix myself so you wouldn't need to put yourself in that position again, because I'd support you, but then I-..." But then I left ANBU.