The guilt hit him like a wave, Kakashi's and his own colliding in a messy sprawl inside his chest almost as painfully as he'd expected. His thumb brushed over pale lashes and a paler cheek, comforting and careful as Yamato could manage while he gathered the words he needed.
A pause, a hard swallow, a frown of concentration, all displaying his struggle with exactly how he could explain his thoughts.
"At the time..I didn't know. I couldn't figure out what that pain meant besides loss and if it could be dealt out by the living, as well as the dead, well.. I wanted no part in it.." He pursed his lips, tracking Kakashi's expression before continuing "..And I never found words for it until recently. Until I saw you hurting, until we lashed out, until the mission and the moment when I thought I'd lost you all over again.."
Yamato took a breath and not for the first time wondered exactly how people did this easily or on a regular basis, because each word felt like pulling his own teeth.
"You were everything to me, Kakashi. You walked into my life and my head like you'd knocked out the guard and picked all the locks and put your feet up at the end like you owned the place, but that's because I let you. I didn't know any better back then, not really. It just felt so natural to be around you.."
He was probably crossing wires somewhere, stumbling through his thoughts almost as badly as he had his teenage years in general and the blush heating his cheeks at each admission was damn dear impossible to stop.
"..We were a mess, together and apart and that's- It's how I can forgive you, because I don't think either of us realized just how close we'd let each other get.."
That theory had been made all the more apparent with how Kakashi had ambushed him with a life times worth of delayed praise and had trusted him during their final ANBU mission. Each step had been faltering from his end, but Kakashi's trust and will to make good had been constant at every stage.
no subject
A pause, a hard swallow, a frown of concentration, all displaying his struggle with exactly how he could explain his thoughts.
"At the time..I didn't know. I couldn't figure out what that pain meant besides loss and if it could be dealt out by the living, as well as the dead, well.. I wanted no part in it.." He pursed his lips, tracking Kakashi's expression before continuing "..And I never found words for it until recently. Until I saw you hurting, until we lashed out, until the mission and the moment when I thought I'd lost you all over again.."
Yamato took a breath and not for the first time wondered exactly how people did this easily or on a regular basis, because each word felt like pulling his own teeth.
"You were everything to me, Kakashi. You walked into my life and my head like you'd knocked out the guard and picked all the locks and put your feet up at the end like you owned the place, but that's because I let you. I didn't know any better back then, not really. It just felt so natural to be around you.."
He was probably crossing wires somewhere, stumbling through his thoughts almost as badly as he had his teenage years in general and the blush heating his cheeks at each admission was damn dear impossible to stop.
"..We were a mess, together and apart and that's- It's how I can forgive you, because I don't think either of us realized just how close we'd let each other get.."
That theory had been made all the more apparent with how Kakashi had ambushed him with a life times worth of delayed praise and had trusted him during their final ANBU mission. Each step had been faltering from his end, but Kakashi's trust and will to make good had been constant at every stage.