the apology, pt 1.

[morningpeacock]

Who: Gai and Neji [closed]
Where: Neji's apartment
When: November 2nd, evening



After yesterday's unofficial break, Gai felt a renewed productivity. Paperwork went better than ever (he broke all his previous records), the forms were filled out completely and without any issue, and overall, he was starting to feel better. It was funny that paperwork of all things had given him time to think and reflect on the past week. Well, paperwork and Kakashi. A visit from his Rival had always somehow managed to put a little bounce back into Gai's step and he no longer could excuse neglecting to have some very important discussions.

So, now was the time to apologize. He would not allow himself to put it off any longer. And while Obito wanted him to apologize to Yamato, Gai wanted to speak with his student first. It seemed only right.

He knocked on the door.

Comments

[heavenly_earth]

A week since the skewed operation, and it felt like he had time on his hands again. It was a false perception he knew, but with his days taken up acting as a bodyguard while Obito worked, it all felt like idle time. It was a boring post, but it didn't demand much of his energy and so he was able to spend his nights awake and do simple things like cook, make tea, or read a book before he went to sleep.

The knock at his door gave him pause, drawing him out of a page on chakra fluctuations and hand seals. He listened for a moment, wondering if it might have been a mistake, then set the book down on the low table and resolved to answer it.

Neji stretched over the short distance, idly wondering if he'd forgotten he was meant to meet with Sasuke or Hinata, but instead found his mentor standing at the door.

"Gai-sensei," he greeted with a blink, then stepped aside to let him in.

The last time the man had visited, it had been to tell him about his new-found relationship that Neji tried to think about as little as possible. He closed the door behind his guest, fingers flexing to allay the nervous tension attempting to work through his system. He both did and didn't want to talk about that mission, and he had good reason to suspect it would come up one way or another, even if it wasn't the sole purpose.

"I believe the tea is still warm, if you're interested."

[morningpeacock]

"No, thank you."

Gai could recall too well that his last visit had been about Obito and Kakashi, too, in much simpler times. He hoped, especially after yesterday, that maybe they could get back to that, despite his behavior, and that Neji had not lost too much respect for his sensei either.

He stepped in, moving aside as Neji closed the door. Talking to Neji had never really been anything to be nervous about, but then Gai had never had anything nearly so huge to discuss before. He tried not to let the confidence he had been riding on walking in here dissolve into uncertainty.

"I hope I am not interrupting anything."

[heavenly_earth]

His refusal was telling, spoke of a restlessness unlike Gai's usual bursts of energy. Neji hummed and waved an invitation for him to sit, not really expecting him to do so.

"Not particularly, just some light reading." He plucked up his book and made note of the page before placing it back in its proper shelf. "At least I'm not hungover this time."

It might have been a poor attempt at light humor, and he knew his own casual tone was forced, felt the lie in the curve of his mouth. "But I have some sake if that better suits your taste."

He hoped it was nothing that heavy.

[morningpeacock]

Light reading. Ah, his adorably academic student. That was not light reading, but Gai was so proud of Neji for considering it such, or at least downplaying it so casually. Neji would always be so bright. Perhaps too smart for a sensei like Gai.

"Ah, no. I think you should hold onto that for your next meeting with Sasuke." Getting drunk would do no one any good.

Gai wrung his hands a little and stepped in further, but made no move to sit. Sitting would just distract him and prolong his stay and he really just needed to stop fretting and talk.

"I came to apologize."

[heavenly_earth]

Neji breathed a short note of amusement, a little relieved that he'd worked past whatever barrier had kept Gai from talking past formalities. With little left to do, he turned to lean against the counter and wait. The reason came more swiftly than expected- in the form of an apology.

"For intruding on my mission," he guessed, polite humor dropping. He considered that and tipped his head. "I understand you had reasons for doing so." Nothing specific, and he didn't expect Gai to go into personal detail because it was something between him and Kakashi, but there was a sore point buried there. One he was reluctant to bring up and the reason he'd dreaded this conversation.

"It worked out well enough, and Hokage-sama's made it clear that it's not something any of us will get away with again."

[morningpeacock]

"Yes, he has made that abundantly clear."

He bowed his head, collecting his thoughts. Regrettably, one of them would be his test run and that was going to be Neji. Gai didn't plan his words so much as speak from the heart, off the cuff, despite deliberating his speech on the walk over. He raised his head again and decided he would have to hope to find the right words.

"And yes. I apologize for that," he said, wondering if he had ever been so humble in front of any of his students before. It scared him, because he wanted to be the pillar of strength sensei he thought he always had been. "And for what I said. I am proud of you, Neji. I meant no insult to your skills or your accomplishments." He crossed his arms over his chest to keep from fussing with his hands anymore.

Neji was his student, but he was not a child, and in many ways, maybe, Gai could be open with him. "I do not want you to think I do not support you--regardless of where your path takes you. I was upset. I was bitter. I spoke hastily and I was insulting. It hurt to see Kakashi go down that path again, to not be able to do anything--" His voice choked up. "I am sorry, Neji. I did not mean to include you in my insecurities or my issues with ANBU."

[heavenly_earth]

It certainly wasn't how he'd envisioned this conversation playing out. Not that he really had a clear idea about that to begin with. Some vague callback to the time they used to grate on each other's nerves with some frequency. That had never ended well and they still argued, but it was over lesser matters. This was important; he wanted Gai to approve and it pained him to think he might not be able to rely on him for support.

If Gai had been his subordinate, Neji would've lain into him and made his position unquestionably clear. But for all they were equals in terms of rank, Gai was still his mentor in a fashion, and that left him tiptoeing lines, because he cared about maintaining this relationship. But this.. this was a little alarming. He'd never seen him so vulnerable.

Neji wasn't sure how to handle it, and a detached part of him wondered where Gai had gained this insight- if someone had taken the time to point out how his words may have been interpreted. He decided honesty was best in turn; he'd done a bit too much lying lately.

"I'm alright, Gai-sensei; I'm relieved to hear you don't disapprove." Even if Gai still clearly had hang-ups about Kakashi 'going down that path', but that wasn't really his business. "I'm aware you have some history with Kakashi-san, and that you were concerned about my induction into the organization. While they're understandable concerns, do you know why it is I joined?"

[morningpeacock]

Even as Neji's sensei and equal in rank, Gai still expected Neji to not mince words. His Hyuuga student had always been polite, but stern, and not afraid of speaking his mind if he thought he was allowed to. Gai saw no reason Neji should be afraid of him now, and after the verbal reprimand from Obito, Gai didn't expect anyone to hold back anymore.

Some history with Kakashi was an understatment, but leave it to Neji to casually downplay the incident. He had always had a civil and fairly diplomatic way of putting things.

"I assume you joined to improve your skills, to advance your position--perhaps even to escape, or show up, your family or to find a place you felt like you fit in." And even as Gai said that, he winced, just a little, as that tore into old wounds about Kakashi. He wanted Team Gai to feel like a home to all his students. Had he failed in that regard? "I trust you, Neji. You have a good head on your shoulders--not that Kakashi does not, but... ANBU was never about his own ambitions, at least not as far as I have seen. It always felt as though it had been required of him, expected, needed... That is a heavy burden for a man to undertake. I felt he lost focus of who he is, and like ANBU's methods and requirements of him were to blame."

He shook his head. They were not here to discuss Kakashi. Or Gai's disjointed thoughts on his Rival. Nor should he be trying to justify himself. He should be apologizing for the way he conducted himself. "I am sorry. I should not speak on things I do not understand. You were saying...? Why did you join?"

[heavenly_earth]

That was more insight than he'd expected to gain, and as Kakashi had explained his reasons for joining the mission to him quite clearly, Neji wondered if perhaps he was one of the few that saw both sides of the matter. But it still wasn't his place to interfere- Gai and Kakashi were grown men, they could reach that understanding themselves. He hoped.

"You could say I did do it to escape Hyuuga," he agreed with a slight smile, arms uncrossing and falling to lean back against the countertop. "I understand my life is a delicate balance of power, so I chose a new keeper by placing myself under Hokage-sama's direct authority. If they compromise me in any way, they'll have to answer to him, and given the unofficial capacity in which I function, Hyuuga will have a difficult time proving or pursuing any false information he might feed them to protect me. It's only unfortunate that this engagement doesn't qualify as 'compromising field integrity'."

His expression twisted into one of annoyance, but he waved it off with a shrug and finally crossed the room to sit properly on his futon. "What I didn't expect, was for ANBU to make me reinvent myself. As a member from a prominent clan with a distinctive fighting style, everything had to change in order to maintain anonymity.

I'll admit the thought petrified me for a few days. All my life, as much as I disliked my clan, I'd always been Hyuuga. Every time I caught my reflection, fought, or observed through the Byakugan, I was reminded. It's an integral part of myself and ingrained so deeply that I couldn't have told you who I was without it if I was ever asked."

And that sounded so pathetic that he laughed a short, almost self-deprecating note. "Anyway, it took awhile, but then I realized that Swan could be anyone I wanted him to be. It didn't require deconstruction so much as recreation. I could choose to be the person I wanted behind that mask, without fear of dire repercussion because no one has absolute power over me. I can make my own decisions and fight my own battles, and that's freedom. Even if I do marry Hinata-sama, Hyuuga can never take that from me, and I could never thank Hokage-sama enough for such an opportunity."

[morningpeacock]

It seemed appropriate, as he listened to Neji's reasons--and more importantly his transformation--that Neji had been named Swan. Swans were formidable birds, elegant and dangerous, but they were also transformations. A cygnet was a cute, sometimes awkward thing, but it grew into a noble and stately bird.

Gai could see how Neji would view ANBU as freedom. Though he could not see how ANBU had been that for Kakashi. But maybe he had been blind. Gai only ever needed being a ninja as any kind of freedom, but the bar had been set pretty low for him by society. With Neji and Kakashi it was different.

"I am glad the Hokage could do that for you," he said, turning to face Neji's new position, but not inviting himself to a seat. "I am glad you are finding yourself, and do not be ashamed that you did not have words for who exactly you were before. Self -discovery is part of growth, and I have seen you blossom with each new year. Late-blooming flowers are some of the most beautiful. Neji, you are an amazing young man, a splendid ninja, and I am sorry if anything I said has ever seemed as though I might be trying to clip your wings or cage you. That was never my intent."

Gai had never been good at letting go, but this was cathartic, he supposed. He was letting go of one of his students, allowing him to fly freely on his own path. The eventual empty nest, however, loomed before Gai and filled him with dread. Obito called them his 'Legacy' and perhaps they were. But knowing that they would soon all be headed off without him was terrifying. His ego and sense of loyalty had been hurt with Kakashi's re-involvement in ANBU; Neji's involvement just left Gai feeling sad and proud at the same time.

"I love you, Neji, as if you were my own son. I am immensely proud of you and I want you to keep growing, keep reinventing yourself. Keep choosing your own path, no matter how others try to direct you. I am sorry you were involved in this personal mess and I am sorry if I hurt you." He gave a solemn bow.

[heavenly_earth]

His smile was a soft, complex expression, fondness warring with the solemnity he was unaccustomed to handling with Gai. He'd always known his mentor's love for him ran almost parallel with his own father's, found himself annoyed by the more obvious displays of it at times, but always he was quietly grateful for his guidance.

"I never thought you were trying to cage me, I was only ever worried that you might not be able to reconcile with my involvement out of a sense of deeply-rooted concern for my mental health." Their conversation in the library months ago came to mind.

"And I understand that well, but you should know that Yamato-taichou is one of the most well-adjusted members I've seen. I can't say I know much about Kakashi-san other than the fact he acted in the same capacity, but I'm certain it had no little impact." And if Yamato's adjustment to ANBU was any indication, he had to say that Kakashi must have done an excellent job on his own.

"His methods are unusual, and contradict a good deal of my initial training. It's a softer approach than even you might expect, although Yamato-taichou's record speaks for itself in his field effectiveness even so. I'm in good hands, Gai-sensei."