sunshineverse | [Closed] I wish I could lay down beside you..

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[Closed] I wish I could lay down beside you..

Who: Yamato and Kakashi
When: December 31st an hour or so before midnight
Where: Roof of the Oolong Dragon (Yamato's apartment)
What: Yamato spends new years on his roof with good sake. Kakashi joins him.

With little past to speak of, Yamato had few traditions, but the one's he did have, he held in high regard and honored them whenever his free time allowed. New Year's spent with Tae-san over a bottle of excellent sake, was no exception and given the upheaval of the past half year, he was more than eager to politely decline all other invitations in favor of the matrons company.

They shared the tasks of preparing food and settled around the back table of the tea shop, whiling away the early evening with pots of tea and hit the sake soon after (under Tae-sans insistence).
The lantern light was soft and their conversation amicable from years of sharing the same building and each others stories and Yamato relaxed, little by little, as the night wore on.

An hour before midnight found the table clear and his kindly neighbor, hugging him tight about the waist, as she bid him goodnight and a happy new year before she retired to bed. It had been the same every year; her aversion to loud noises, fireworks in particular, having never lessened in the many years he'd known her.

So it was, that with the shop lights dimmed, Yamato snagged a blanket and the last of the sake and headed for the roof above; settling down with something like childish delight - if not a little drunken silliness - to view the fireworks and see the new year in as he'd done so many times before.

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There was the mention of Yukimi again, and Kakashi would have reached out to comfort his friend from the babbling mess he'd become had he not seemed to preoccupied with whatever he wanted to show Kakashi. The silver-haired nin swallowed again but with trepidation this time, and nodded to hopefully encourage Yamato, to put him at ease to make this - whatever this was - smoother.

And then it was staring him in the face. Kakashi looked with one eye wide (and the other resolutely shut) frozen in the surprise he'd felt at seeing Yamato stripping so openly and quickly without much explanation, but then he understood. Kakashi had seen that kind of scarring before on the corpses of enemies he struck with chidori; their skin scorched along the lines of their veins with lightning as he forced his attack through whatever part of their body he hit... He'd never seen it on a living body before, and never on a friend.

He didn't have words, couldn't fathom speaking, and instead silently rose his hand to brush his fingers over Yamato's shoulder, over the tattoo and the burnt branches of his veins.

Edited 2015-01-17 20:56 (UTC)

He shivered at the touch, not really expecting it all told. It made him look though, really look this time; noting the contrast in their skin tones and the straight lines of Kakashi's fingers against the meandering branches of the scarring.

"..I stopped wearing the bandage after the Lantern festival. Just..trying to get used to it."

Yamato's body was littered with scars but none of them bothered him to the same extent that this one did. Having Kakashi finally see it though and not recoil, seemed to ease the tight knot of guilt more, the same way it had with Yukimi and he breathed a sigh, relaxing his hunched posture almost completely.

Kakashi was silent for a long moment, smoothed fingertips tracing the branching stretches of the scar, until finally he spoke.

"It's kind of beautiful, huh?" he muttered, and for once didn't shy away from his honesty. Instead he swallowed, and shifted slightly to look Yamato dead in the eye. He meant what he was saying, and he hoped this would be enough to make Yamato believe him.

"These scars aren't anything to be guilty over.." he started with an almost forced tone, like it was hard for him to resist being hard on himself. "Yes, they're reminders that we almost put an end to one another, but equally they're a reminder of our control. We stopped, no-one stopped us. We were the ones that pulled away, we saved each other from the death we were entirely capable of serving... These scars should make us proud..." Should, because even Kakashi hadn't quite harnessed pride and all it's difficulties given his perchance for guilting himself.

Beautiful..?

There was that blush again and a series of quiet shivers at every touch across his skin, distracting enough that he almost missed Kakashi's words.

But no quite.

What he was saying, hit home; it was exactly what Yamato had needed to hear, especially from Kakashi. They were alive and that had only happened through their own restraint, that seeing each other safe, had been more important than indulging some long festered ache.

He nodded his agreement, smile small and hopeful as he caught Kakashi's hand against his arm, holding it to the scar, to his tattoo and soaking up the warmth.

"I'll try if you will.."

On this at least, they were in agreement. Forgiving each other was the easy part, but forgiving themselves? That would take some work.

Yamato's hand was warm on his, and the encouraged touch almost as relieving as seeing the other man smiling that tentative, bashful smile he'd missed seeing so desperately. Kakashi smiled back, unhindered by the lack of his mask, and pressed soft fingers to the cooling plane of Yamato's skin.

It was that small shift in temperature that kicked Kakashi's habit of fussing up a notch, and so he acted on impulse, shifting closer to press his lips against Yamato's again while pushing him down into the cushioning surface of the bed, tugging the covers up over them both to warm them through without detaching their lips even for a moment.

The kiss was a pleasant surprise and Yamato went willingly, curling up close and responding tentatively. His shirt stayed between them, clutched in one hand, while the other settled on Kakashi's chest, fingers splayed over the other mans heart and he found comfort in the pulse under warm skin.

The cold and his doubts were chased away with proximity, leaving only a flush across his cheeks behind and Yamato wondered dazedly why it had taken them this long, to breach this gap, the lack of tension was so freeing.

Kakashi pressed his lips against Yamato's willingly, kissing in a slow and soothing rhythm; comfortable and easy to maintain. This was.. everything he'd ever wanted in a kiss, and in someone kissing him. It was easy and calm, and he didn't feel put on the spot, didn't feel like Yamato expected anything of him, and most importantly he didn't feel like he had to be good at this. As much as he'd enjoyed kissing Obito and Gai, it had felt like a test or a competition due to the fact that Kakashi didn't know how else to approach it. The situation had been all wrong, and hence the last few months had been full of the repercussions of Kakashi's mistakes.. leading his friends into thinking he was content with a relationship when he was quite the opposite.

That was poignant, and once again his head proved detrimental to his actions, as the thought brought forth a swell of thought that he would have much preferred to remain tucked away in the back of his mind. He broke their kiss soon after, thoughts cumulating to a head and finding he just needed a little air to breathe; his kissing was becoming distracted as it was, and couldn't have been any fun for Yamato to experience.

"I.." Kakashi mumbled, averting his eyes and suddenly incredibly self conscious of how kiss-bruised his lips felt. He wasn't used to having them on show like this.

"I just want to make sure we're on the same page..." he muttered eventually. "Before this gets comfortable.. Obito and Gai. When I broke it off with them, I did it because I couldn't handle being tied down. A relationship means lots of things I don't know how to do, lots of things I'm not comfortable with, or ready for.. But this, this that we're doing right now, I can handle that much.. I need to know what you want from me."

Those same worries echoed under his ribs, all ripples from their conversation on the roof top and Yamato was content to interrupt the kiss if it meant that he knew where they stood. The thought of anything more than this, any further pressure, made him uncomfortable, anxious with the ties that could impact his duty but what did he want? It was a good question.

So many times they'd been close, shared space, confidence, fears and as much awkward comfort as two war orphans could offer each other, but one desire stayed with him the most.

Falling asleep in the lab had been a weakness, one that he only succumbed to due to exhaustion because, each time he slept, eyes closed and not studying those around him..another light would go out. Yamato would awaken some hours past and there would be another gone, all in what felt like a blink of the eye and he would despair a little more, each blink chipping away at his heart.

It continued on after his rescue. Danzo indulged him hardly ever, but plagued by nightmares and so very young, he had been cradled to the stern mans side and found sleep, only to wake up alone and in his own bed once more. With Kakashi also, it had been the case; always his former captain would be up before him, the space at his side, long gone cold and another moment to add to the ache.

It was with that in mind that Yamato nodded, agreeing with Kakashi's terms and adding his own "This and just..be here, when I wake up?"

He bit his lips and rushed to elaborate "No rude wake up calls or notes or ninken, just.. You. That's all I want."

Don't let me wake up alone went resoundingly unsaid.

Kakashi exhaled a slow, excruciatingly slow breath of relief.

Kissing Obito and Gai was something he enjoyed; being able to show his affection for them and have it shared was excellent, even more-so now that he didn't feel he was stepping on anyone's toes by having that exchange labelled as a 'relationship'... and now he felt the same way about Yamato. He hadn't had even the slightest inkling that situations like these were possible, that people could kiss and be together without being together - the subject certainly wasn't touched upon in any of his books or the movies he watched, and given that they were his only source of information other than his very much married sensei... it was hardly surprising.

To know that Yamato didn't expect more out of him, and wouldn't ask for it, leaving Kakashi's readiness up to the man himself... It was relieving. It was the same kind of relief he'd felt when Obito had told him that just being a friend they'd kiss sometimes was okay, when Gai treated him exactly the same way after the hiccup of the mission; when none of them saw his special conditions as an annoyance, or something strange..

He was so lucky, and he couldn't be more grateful.

"I can do that." He smiled, honest and wide and entirely on show.

That smile was contagious and he couldn't help but match it, relief flooding him with more warmth than the sake ever had.
He felt happy and comfortable enough to take the initiative for the first time, pressing a chaste kiss to Kakashi's lips, as if sealing their agreement, before momentarily squirming away.

Feeling self conscious about his body was uncharacteristic, but his skin itched with the visibility of the scar, still too soon to leave it be completely, so he shrugged back into his shirt; he wanted to enjoy this after all and the anxiety the blemish caused wasn't worth ruining a good nights sleep.

He settled again soon after, head pillowed next to Kakashi's and hand grasping the Jounin's upper arm between them in a childish display, something he'd adopted during many nights asleep on mission and smiled softly as he did so now.

Kakashi didn't question Yamato as he put his shirt back on, nor did he try to stop him; Kakashi himself was much too riddled with insecurities to deny him that small mercy, especially since Yamato was relatively new to having the scar on show. It didn't matter either way, because now Kakashi had seen it in exchange for showing his own, and the subject was no longer a taboo between them. Emotional wounds, much like the physical ones, were starting to heal.

Kakashi's arm instinctively fell across Yamato's waist, his fingers coming to rest gently against the curve of the other man's spine and lightly tracing the grooves of bone protruding from between planes of muscle.

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly through his nose, letting his body relax as well as his mind, feeling entirely at ease in that one moment as if the world surrounding himself and Yamato had stood still. He could get used to this.

His eyelids drooped at the contact and Yamato finally let himself relax under the shelter of Kakashi's arm with a quiet sigh.

He'd never expected this; perhaps at one point he'd entertained the thought, had hoped, but those wishes were forever distant, until now of course. The touch, the proximity, it all calmed him, made him feel leaden and tired and safe in a way that had only ever settled over him a handful of times before.

Yes, this was worth the risk. A small facet of Kakashi that he could have for himself, something to ease the hurts that their time apart had fostered and proof of the threads that still strung between them. If the Jounin kept his word, Yamato would be happy and that thought settled his mind enough to ease into the comfortable blanket of sleep.

Kakashi flicked his fingernail against the porcelain of the pot currently taking it's time boiling water, and let a small exhale escape him. The tea leaves were primed, two cups ready to be trollied back into the other room to sit till Yamato woke up.

He stood in the dim morning light, the time ticking a few hours after sunrise and a few hours before the rest of the village would be ebbing with signs of life at the start of a new year. He hadn't bothered to put on a shirt, or his mask, and so stood in his underwear against the counter, staring off to the side and reminiscing over the last year idly as he waited. It sure had been full of surprises, that was for sure.

If Kakashi had timed it right, Yamato would be rousing in the next hour, so this was his gift and greeting. Kakashi had made an agreement to be there when he woke up, and he had every intention of pulling through with the promise... the tea was just a little bonus.

Sleep slid away with the encroaching dawn and Yamato clung to the final shreds of it like a drowning man to land. The hangover was immediate and unforgiving and he wanted no part in anything that would make it worse, choosing instead to pull the covers up and roll over into the warmth of his bed mate.

Only, that didn't happen. He was met with cool sheets and the pale light of past dawn and nothing more.

Yamato swallowed thickly, disappointment dropping into his already churning gut and settling like the bottom of a lake, bitter and strewn with stones.
He drew the covers up over his head, blocking out the morning and focused on breathing, certainly not thinking, not dwelling on the steady boil of hurt he felt or the accompanying anger, nope.

A count of ten and then another and he was throwing off the blanket and pushing unsteadily to his feet. He needed to eat, to drink, balance out his headache and retreat to the couch or back to bed and just sleep off the hammering effects of the sake, that was it.

The door left ajar and the kitchenette beyond were within stumbling distance and he made it to the threshold before pulling up short.

Pale skin and tousled silver greeted him, the image of Kakashi, disheveled and relaxed, preparing tea in Yamato's home, not one that he'd ever expected to be greeted with.

The hurt bled away, replaced by a shamed blush; Yamato feeling more than a little chagrined at having jumped to conclusions so quickly. He slumped against the bedroom door frame as the tension ebbed away and offered his acknowledgment in a weak greeting, eyes downcast as his face flamed.

"..Good morning."

Kakashi looked up at the sound of Yamato's voice, immediately catching sight of the flush on Yamato's cheeks and wilting. He was suddenly a little too aware of what a state of undress he was in and quickly swallowed his response to wrap arms around himself instead, shielding a portion of that rarely-seen skin and the scar mattering his side.

"Sorry," he muttered, an awkward laugh bubbling out of him as he gestured with his other hand to the now boiling water. "You, uh.. You weren't meant to wake up just yet."

The laughter was returned, nervous and quiet as he waved Kakashi's apology off, shaking his head.

"It's alright, I'd just..thought you'd gone.."

Admitting to his assumptions cowed Yamato's mood further and he rubbed self consciously at his arm in an effort to dispel his awkwardness. Motivation gone, the world swam sickeningly and he closed his eyes against the nausea, shaking his head against it and regretting the movement completely.

"I'm..really not ready to be standing.."

The words accompanied his stumble back to bed and the blissful ease of being horizontal again. Maybe he could suffocate himself with a pillow before Kakashi followed him and save them both the embarrassment..

Kakashi's expression fell at the admission, and robbed him of his words long after Yamato had retreated back into the bedroom... Yamato had thought he'd left? He said he wouldn't, he assured him-- but then, Kakashi thought as a heavy and familiar weight settled in his stomach, he hadn't given Yamato much reason to trust him lately.

He finished up the tea and padded back into the room shortly after, and once he'd placed their cups on the side, he crawled into the sheets beside the curled up form of the younger man.

Maybe Yamato's grouchiness was partly down to his hangover? Kakashi was lucky in that his hangover manifested in the form of a dead sleep now, rather than the classic headache/vomiting combo.. so his head was entirely clear.. Perhaps too much so.

Propped up against the headboard, Kakashi dropped a hand into Yamato's hair.

"I won't hurt you again."

The touch was welcome and Yamato shifted to blink blearily up at the other man, propping his chin on the pillow he'd clutched to his chest. The accompanying words had him hunching his shoulders though, as if trying to hide from how quickly his mind had fallen into doubt.

"..I know."

Because he did, truly, but self preservation was hard to quell, especially when it concerned his emotions and the still naive shades of his heart. All but two that he'd let close to him, had left their mark, but he wasn't prepared to make the same blunder with Kakashi as he'd done Obito, not this time around and caught up the older mans hand from it's place in his hair.

Slim knuckles received a kiss and another before he tucked Kakashi's palm against his cheek, capturing it between still heated skin and the softness of his pillow as if by way of apology for his lack of trust.

Kakashi gave the man a look brimming with affection, and only averted his gaze to attempt to distract Yamato from noticing the blush starting to creep up his uncovered face.

"I'd intended to make the tea and come back before you woke up, but... Well. You should drink, either way. Keep hydrated, or you'll be in bed all day." Kakashi said, with a twitch of his mouth that he couldn't even try to hide.

"I can't stay too long, I have a birthday present to deliver."

Birthday?

It only took a moments thought before Yamato's frown of thought cleared into a fond smile and he relinquished his hold on Kakashi's hand to sit up against the headboard and reach for his tea.

"Then you shouldn't keep Gai-san waiting and being in bed all day is exactly where I plan to be."

He held the cup to his chest, soaking up the warmth and appreciating the calm that settled around, his previous misgivings completely forgotten.

"It's not often I get a chance to be lazy, you know, unlike some people..."

Yamato trailed off, hiding his teasing smirk behind the cup in his hands and shifting to burrow a little more into his blanket and pillows.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, that same twitch of a smile staying resolutely where it was as he gave Yamato a side-on glance.

"Ah, some people just lack the will, I suppose.. Or lack of it."

He stretched out his arm, reaching across Yamato's lap to retrieve his own cup and stealing a soft kiss against the man's temple before he settled beside him to nurture the heat of hot water for himself.

"I wouldn't want to disrupt his usual training regime. I can stay a little longer."

Yamato chuckled, but fell quiet at the kiss, eyes closed and smile soft.

"Mmh, it's early yet."

Once Kakashi was settled, Yamato let his head drop to the other mans shoulder, cheek pillowed against cool skin and sipped at his tea without further comment.
This was what he'd missed the most; the quiet that fostered between them was never awkward and it was easy to exist in silence out of choice, instead of the laden no-sound of a mission.

His head still pounded and he would probably be an odd mixture of ravenous and sick to his stomach in about an hour, but for now he was content to sit in quiet company and contemplate what type of year it would be.

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[Closed] I wish I could lay down beside you..

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they have so many morning afters, this is another

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