sunshineverse | [Closed] You see I struggle to sleep at night, but it's fine..

Yamato was tense, muscles held taught by the preternatural stillness of someone willing their body to move or do anything other than it's current state. Kakashi had clearly made himself at home and on any other day, Yamato would be touched; coming home to an apartment that wasn't empty, was an extremely rare occurrence and one that warmed him, and made continuing to hold himself together, almost impossible.

"Good evening, Kakashi-senpai.. Did you need something?"

He fell back on routine. This scene had played out before, many times in fact, but back at HQ and it was easier to fall into the script, uttering words he'd said 100 times before, than to think and consider anything else.

His uniform chaffed, grimy with use and Yamato desperately wanted to change or maybe head back out immediately, choose an assignment from the bingo-book and disappear behind his mask for good. Gloved hands flexed in response to the thought, but he held fast.

Thoughts like that were a good way to get himself killed.

Edited 2015-02-09 17:16 (UTC)

"Nope," Kakashi shrugged, rubbing two bare fingers together and then pressing them to the page of the book in his hands, turning it with an idle, practised ease. "I was waiting for take-out and thought I'd come check on your plants while I wait..." An obvious lie, but said with such casual simplicity and sincerity that it's lack of truth became dubious.

He might as well have been talking to Tenzou in the walls of the ANBU barracks. The conversation was so mechanical, and the words so reminiscent of their younger days, that for a moment Kakashi had to wonder if Yamato got like this after every ANBU mission, or if his suspicion was correct and something had happened.

His gaze flickered away and down, dark eyes glazing and clearing in turns as Yamato fought with the various needs his body and subconscious where making apparent. He could trust Kakashi, could trust him with this, but was he prepared to burden anyone with how much he'd been affected?

It burnt, hot and molten under his ribs; shame, frustration and the sickness of fear, robbing him of thought and speech enough to stand mute just past the threshold of his home.

Yamato couldn't stand it, biting hard on the inside of his cheek in an effort to respond; the words coming out even but suspiciously bereft of his usual inflections.

"Mission successful, as were the exams and the Hokage managed to fit in a tour of the local clan holdings.." It was small talk, but easier than tripping over exactly what had happened immediately.

It almost made Kakashi wince to hear Yamato speaking so curtly, but he tucked the reaction away and instead looked up at the younger man with a gentle expression - content, with mild interest, not a fleck of pity or concern in sight.

"Good," Kakashi nodded. "But you look a mess. Go shower and clean up, alright? You'll feel better." Kakashi wasn't being mean, Yamato did look a mess, but luckily the comment would pass for the man's uniform and dirty skin rather than the haunted expression on his face.

Yamato nodded vaguely at the suggestion, hearing but not comprehending and after a long beat, finally replied.

"I will, I mean-"

He took a shuddering breath.

"D-did you know that the Hoshigaki clan holdings are on a lake? They have a shark fin structure, right out on the water.." He still couldn't meet Kakashi's gaze, but forged on, regarding the middle distance with a furrowed brow and words spilling out in a rush "..There's not path or bridge though, j-just a tunnel, clear glass under water, right under the lake!"

The burst of nervous laughter was strangled by the sudden wave of anxiety that hit him, just picturing the under water walkway, summoning up fears that he had hoped were long buried.

Yamato finally met Kakashi's eyes though, desperate for the other man to understand the meaning behind his words, praying that his keen mind would connect the dots without Yamato having to bare is soul. Heavens help him, but he didn't think he even could.

If Kakashi was honest, he hadn't spared a single thought the layout of the Hoshigaki holdings till Yamato explained it, and the realisation of just what was wrong dawned on him. On the one hand he was relieved it wasn't a serious injury or a death in the ranks.. but on the other hand he knew how these kind of reactions felt, and knew what they could do to Yamato. He hadn't seen that look in his eyes for over ten years now.. it was no wonder he hadn't recognised it at first.

His expression twitched, but it was a just small dip of his eyebrows, almost curiosity.

"That sounds terrifying, I don't think I'd like to go down there." Kakashi moved a shoulder, a little shrug. "I think I would have opted out and guarded the entrance instead, if that were the case.." A small laugh escaped the copy-nin's chest, and he gave Yamato a reassuring smile. It wasn't that he didn't care, or didn't want to know what had happened... but he knew that he couldn't lure things like that out of Yamato with such simple a tactic as just asking.

Something like relief broke across his shoulders in the wake of Kakashi's words and Yamato's posture finally slumped with the release in tension. More than once in his life time, he'd praised Kakashi's perceptiveness and he would include today in that number. The reassurance wasn't lost on him either, as weak as it felt against the burn of his shame, it was appreciated, even more so to know that Kakashi himself would not have been disappointed in his failure.

Shuddering out a sigh, Yamato nodded, more times than necessary but glad to feel in control of his limbs again and trailed away to go through the motions of his post mission routine.

He spared a fleeting thought for whether Kakashi would still be there once he was finished, but banished it just as quickly; there was enough uncertainty in his head, he didn't need to start the train of doubt all over again as well.

A shower, clean clothes and his favorite blanket later, Yamato padded back to the living area looking 100 times better than he actually felt.

When Yamato returned, Kakashi was in almost the exact same position as he had been before hand. The only difference was a small water kettle and two cups of steaming liquid on a place-mat on the table, and the absence of the small pile of books that were now back where Kakashi had found them on Yamato's bookshelf.

He still had one open in his lap, and when Yamato entered he again didn't look up from reading the pages, but lifted his free arm to create a space at his side for his kouhai to rest in.

Both gestures were tantamount to Kakashi proposing to someone in public, but so subtle that a casual on looker wouldn't give it a second glance. Luckily, there were no onlookers here, even in a village full of shinobi, so there was no one else to witness Yamato reach the couch in quick steps and curl up, blanket and all, under the protective shelter of Kakashi's arm.

The jounin was fever hot, even through the blanket around his shoulders and Yamato pressed flush to his side, tucking his feet up under himself and soaking up that warmth and the comfort it offered.

He was out of words for the moment, but the tremble in his frame said more than any stunted explanations could and Yamato let his body shake out the distress he'd been suppressing since Kiri.

Kakashi's hand found purchase in Yamato's hair, his palm and fingertips pressing through brown locks to massage in small circles at the younger man's scalp. He was surprised to find himself relaxing as he felt Yamato settle at his side, comforted by the willingness of the younger man, by the lack of reluctance even in when posed with showing weakness.

Kakashi held him through the shakes, his hand massaging and his arm tight and comforting, grounding, defiant in keeping Yamato secure and safe.

A little while passed, and the only movement Kakashi made was to turn the page, and to eventually rest his head on top of Yamato's as he read about the structure of buildings in the previous century.

Yamato tucked his cheek against Kakashi's neck and closed his eyes, letting the repetitive motion sooth his frayed nerves. Sleep was still a distant thought, but calm and quite were two things that had felt in short supply and he soaked them up greedily now.

Every now and again, he'd open his eyes and idly track Kakashi's progress through the book, but the words hardly sank in and acted more as a level for the passage of time. The shaking ebbed eventually, Yamato's breathing lulling to it's usual steady rhythm and a numbness of feeling finally soaked in to crowd out the clamor of visions and distant none sound.

When he spoke, it was quiet and even, sounding tired but much more like himself than the monotone of earlier.

"After..that first mission, I always prayed that this would never haunt my duty again."

It was a weakness that he kept carefully under wraps and apart from the stray dream and an above average aversion to being submerged, Yamato had never regressed in any way that endangered a mission or those around him, but after last week..He had no idea what to do.

"So did I," Kakashi muttered softly, using a thumb to turn the page, his voice a quiet rumble as to not disrupt the quiet too much. "Regardless, it's not surprising you had an adverse reaction to it. It's understandable. You don't just grow out of things like that.."

Kakashi certainly hadn't, regardless of how much he'd tried to stifle how badly even the smallest crumbling of rock had affected him. He'd been stubborn and it had been his downfall.. and the fallout was what Tenzou had seen unravel.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. Did you explain to anyone?"

Edited 2015-02-10 01:49 (UTC)

The slightest shake of his head "No..I couldn't do it.."

There was that shame again and a flash of anxiety at the thought of the potential conversations that would spring from this. The absolute last thing he wanted was anyone making allowances for him or this going down on any sort of permanent record, because while he wasn't one for endangering anyone because of misinformation, he feared completely for the very thing that gave him a purpose.

..If he couldn't be a shinobi, Yamato had no idea what he would do.

Kakashi nodded. He'd been expecting that answer, if he was honest. Yamato was a stickler for the rules, of course... but he also valued his reputation and his position.

"Speaking of that mission," Kakashi said, shifting the book out of his lap and closing it as he deposited it on the table. He turned his body just slightly, so that he could look lazily into Yamato's face, his expression a gentle one despite the startling subject he was about to discuss. "You know I didn't include any details of what we went through in my report? What we felt because of what we saw?... And before you jump to conclusions, it wasn't for your sake. It was a selfish act for my own. I was afraid of my worth being questioned if I showed any weakness, but..." Kakashi shrugged a shoulder, averting his eyes suddenly as he realised the nature of the territory he was heading into. Who would have thought that talking about something like this for the first time would be hard.

"I took every opportunity to face it head on. I forced myself into caves, I staged rockfall. I trained myself to be over-careful. I trained myself out of letting the fear beat me." He couldn't loook at Yamato, but he could get this out. He couldn't remember when he'd closed his eyes, but he pressed them shut a fraction tighter, his hand firming where it had fallen to the other man's shoulder.

"It wasn't weakness... It was fear, and fear is nothing to be ashamed of. I... forced myself to turn that fear into focus, into adrenalin, into willpower... It didn't happen overnight. It didn't fix entirely, but I handled it."

That was when he opened his eyes to look at Yamato.

"I would have told you, but I was selfish. I wanted to fix myself so you wouldn't need to put yourself in that position again, because I'd support you, but then I-..." But then I left ANBU.

The revelation about their mission report, was pure relief; even if Kakashi had left out their altercation for his own benefit also, it eased a long buried anxiety that he hadn't realized had still lingered, even after all this time and he relaxed a little more into Kakashi's side.

Yamato listened intently to the rest, absorbing the information and even though the idea of applying a similar tactic to his own trauma terrified him, it was something he could work with and entirely better than the nothing he'd had only moments ago.
But at the strain in Kakashi's voice, the unspoken end to his words-

Oh no, nuh huh, he ached enough without that particular healing wound being prodded open again, he couldn't take that on top of everything else.

His hand came up, fingers silencing Kakashi's words through his mask, head shaking to get his attention, voice low and furtive.

"I forgave you, it's enough it's- You've given me more than I could have ever hoped for when I walked through that door.."

Yamato was referring to Kakashi's perspective, how he had worked to battle his fear and how Yamato himself could begin to face his own, but if it also covered everything else they'd been through well..He wasn't about to correct any assumptions.

He refused to let any argument follow and leaned in enough to press a silencing kiss to Kakashi's cloth covered mouth, gaze stubborn, but entirely sincere when he pulled away.

Kakashi blinked owlishly when Yamato pulled back, both eyes flickering open, looking from Yamato's mouth to his eyes and back again. He was so distracted in that moment that he didn't even spare a thought for how opening his sharingan was probably something he shouldn't be doing, and instead simply continued to blink dumbly at the man scowling back at him. He supposed Yamato had a point. They'd worked through one issue enough to resonably move onto a second, but Kakashi's mind kept coming back to what Yamato had said on the roof. He supposed he deserved that frown for reopening old wounds, and gave a sheepish look at the floor.

"..They broke my heart though. E-even before I knew that it was something you could give without realizing.."

Kakashi's embarrassed expression twitched with a flicker of pain. God, he could hear the hiccup of sadness in Yamato's voice even now, the memory perfectly and devestatingly engraved in his head, plastered in his memory. But that wasn't a conversation for now, wasn't a conversation to bring up at all; because as Yamato had said.. he was forgiven, the matter was dealt with. It didn't put him entirely at ease, but remembering it did soften the ache some.

He shook his head, his frustration at himself morphing to determination for his kouhai. Tenzou hadn't spent Kakashi's absence being pathetic and pining - he'd worked hard and pushed forward and become something great without him. He'd done that without Kakashi, and he had always had it in him to do this without Kakashi, too.

He shook his head then, looking back to Yamato and pulling one of his classic smiles; his eyes as crescents and his mask pulling tight.

"I know what you're capable of, as do you. If you want to fix this, you will."

His mouth twitched at Kakashi's incredulity, enjoying every moment he managed to one up the other man and would have been happy to leave the matter there..

..If it hadn't been for that flicker, a flash of darkness across Kakashi's usually unreadable features, there and gone and easily missed if Yamato hadn't of been paying such close attention to begin with.

Gods help him but he couldn't leave that.

The reassurance of Kakashi's trust in his own abilities was a confirmation he needed, some part of him still seeking the confidence that the older Jounin inspired in him, especially on such unsteady ground, but there was clearly still more between them that needed closer inspection and he couldn't take this comfort without returning what he could in kind.

A small smile touched his lips "..Thank you. You always did have more faith in me than anyone else." That same smile underlined a searching look; Yamato raising his hand from Kakashi's jaw to brush silvery brows and the corner of a dark eye. "But..that look. What was that?"

The marred scarring joined in a perfect line over his sharingan as he closed it, and his unscathed eye regarded Yamato with an apprehensive look long after the man had finished speaking. He knew he wouldn't be able to wriggle out of this one, despite how much he wanted to make a fuss over the tea getting cold and use it as a distraction to change the subject... Yamato wouldn't let that lie. Not now.

"I..." he began, then paused. His hand shifted of it's own accord, pressing a bare palm across the back of the hand Yamato had on his face; a mirror of the way Yamato had held Kakashi's hand to his face as they woke in the new year. He kept Yamato's touch close, constant, cradling and supportive. He knew he'd need it.

"I know you forgive me for what happened, I understand you don't hold anything against me.. But I can't forgive myself for what I did. Maybe it would be better if I'd done it purposely and repented somehow, but... I didn't. I didn't think for a moment what leaving unannounced might do to you. I broke your heart, Tenzou," He didn't even spare a moment to re-track and correct the name - he was on a roll and wouldn't stop till all the words had fallen out. "And I had no idea. How could I hurt someone I care about so much, so badly, without realising?"

The guilt hit him like a wave, Kakashi's and his own colliding in a messy sprawl inside his chest almost as painfully as he'd expected. His thumb brushed over pale lashes and a paler cheek, comforting and careful as Yamato could manage while he gathered the words he needed.

A pause, a hard swallow, a frown of concentration, all displaying his struggle with exactly how he could explain his thoughts.

"At the time..I didn't know. I couldn't figure out what that pain meant besides loss and if it could be dealt out by the living, as well as the dead, well.. I wanted no part in it.." He pursed his lips, tracking Kakashi's expression before continuing "..And I never found words for it until recently. Until I saw you hurting, until we lashed out, until the mission and the moment when I thought I'd lost you all over again.."

Yamato took a breath and not for the first time wondered exactly how people did this easily or on a regular basis, because each word felt like pulling his own teeth.

"You were everything to me, Kakashi. You walked into my life and my head like you'd knocked out the guard and picked all the locks and put your feet up at the end like you owned the place, but that's because I let you. I didn't know any better back then, not really. It just felt so natural to be around you.."

He was probably crossing wires somewhere, stumbling through his thoughts almost as badly as he had his teenage years in general and the blush heating his cheeks at each admission was damn dear impossible to stop.

"..We were a mess, together and apart and that's- It's how I can forgive you, because I don't think either of us realized just how close we'd let each other get.."

That theory had been made all the more apparent with how Kakashi had ambushed him with a life times worth of delayed praise and had trusted him during their final ANBU mission. Each step had been faltering from his end, but Kakashi's trust and will to make good had been constant at every stage.

Edited 2015-02-10 03:53 (UTC)

Kakashi's mouth pulled into a tight line behind his mask, Yamato's words managing to saunter past every barracade and wall he'd placed around his heart and it's weaknesses. The things Yamato said hit him hard - so hard in fact that he almost found it difficult to breathe as he stared back into those large, dark eyes. He was right, of course; that Kakashi hadn't noticed how close he was letting Tenzou get until it was too late to back-track... and now Kakashi wondered how he'd ever spent five years treating the other man to nothing but radio silence. Yamato was one of the few people Kakashi could be broken around, and one of the few people who could fix him again. Yamato knew things about Kakashi's psyche that no-one else did, just as Kakashi had seen similar moments of raw vulnerability in him. There was something comforting about that, though he couldn't quite place why.

He nodded his head, pressed his covered mouth to Yamato's open palm in the ghost of a kiss, and let out a heavy exhale that seemed to unwind the tenseness to Kakashi's frame.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, softly. "I wanted to avoid hurting you by disappearing, but.. I know that's not the way it works. It won't happen again."

He let that small moment of quiet spiral, and then suddenly opened his good eye and shifted back into a sitting position.

"And for making this about me.." he added gingerly, with an awkward laugh as his hand furtively tucked his mask a little better over his nose, the fabric masking a little dusting of pink creeping up from behind the fabric. "My bad..."

Yamato let out a low sigh of relief when the other man relaxed, happy that he'd managed to articulate himself correctly. It was easy to sound like he was making excuses for them both, but he'd never been in the habit of doing so and that Kakashi knew that, made his stumbling attempts at expressing any sort of emotions eternally easier.

The kiss made him smile and it only grew broader at Kakashi's embarrassment, banishing the ache that the change of subject had summoned. He shook his head at the apology, resettling against the jounin's shoulder and pulling his blanket tighter around himself.

"It's alright, on both accounts. I feel..calmer? It's not so close and I really should be thanking you..for being here."

He rubbed his cheek against Kakashi's shoulder, genuinely feeling at ease, if still delicate in his own mind. Sleep would be the true test and Yamato wasn't anticipating anything but a rough night; still, he was no longer seconds away from shaking apart, so that at least was progress.

No doubt Kakashi's presence had been a factor and Yamato's cheeks warmed again; he'd returned to company instead of the quiet emptiness of his home and it had apparently made all the difference for now.

Either way, Yamato was too exhausted to entertain letting his mind get it's own way again lifted his chin to nudge his nose against Kakashi's jaw, seek attention.

"Did you mention something about food earlier?"

The weight of Yamato fitting against his side once more was more comforting than anything Kakashi could think to name, and he reverted back to resting his head atop the brunette one on his shoulder, a slow breath leaving his lungs to be replaced with a wash of relief. Talking about his problems was proving itself more and more as a good thing, and Kakashi almost caught himself wondering why he didn't do it more often - before he realised what a silly question that would be.

Not even the mention of food could bring Kakashi out of his comfortable reverie.

"Hm, food? No, not me.." he muttered, wrapping his other arm around Yamato in a strange half-hug, soaking up the contact like he was starved of it.

Yamato chuckled at the denial and turned into the awkward embrace, nudging Kakashi to shift against the arm of the sofa instead and make the position a little less uncomfortable for them both. He ended up sandwiched between the jounin's side and the back of the couch and couldn't find a single complaint, even going so far as to share his blanket.

The affection was soothing; the fact that they were sober and still able to seek this kind of contact, something of a mile stone for them both and Yamato was keen to make the most of it just as much as Kakashi.

Head pillowed above the older mans heart and free hand splayed against the prominent bones of his collar, Yamato made a pleased noise and relaxed into the sofa and Kakashi's steady warmth.

"..You'll just have to help me make something later then."

It was said with a smirk, mumbled into the soft fabric of Kakashi's sweater.

"No problem," Kakashi murmured quietly as he tucked the blanket around them both, his legs shifting up to fold against Yamato as his body turned to accommodate the other man. This comfortable contact was what he'd craved subliminally enough to stay in Yamato's apartment waiting for his return after the events of his day, and he was relieved to finally have it.

Kakashi was very aware of Yamato's use of the word 'later' and smiled to himself as he pressed the younger man a touch closer, loathe to move. He willingly supported Yamato's weight and the weight of his nightmarish experiences. He knew peace wouldn't be as easy as a few understanding words and a little physical comfort, but it was a start.

[Closed] You see I struggle to sleep at night, but it's fine..

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