sunshineverse | [Closed] Where the hurt is.

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[Closed] Where the hurt is.

Who: Kakashi Hatake & Obito Uchiha.
When: October 9.
Where: Obito's home, probably late afternoon.

The first sign that he'd been avoiding this a little too long came when he approached Obito's home. The ANBU guards standing stationary outside followed him with their masks, hidden gazes lingering just a touch longer than they would have normally before they let him pass, seemingly surprised that his chakra signature proved he was who he seemed to be.
The second came when he walked through the quiet house, and noticed that now he felt almost alien in the four walls he'd spent so much time in before, like he'd wandered into some strange universe where everything seemed exactly the same but a little bit... off...

It was worrying, and his stomach gave a little grumble of unease that traveled right up his gullet and into his throat. Maybe this really was too soon.... It had only been a day since his talk with Gai, after all--

Kakashi steeled his reserve as he leaned against the wall to take off his sandals. No, he had to do this; now or never. He'd heard from a few reasonably reliable sources that Obito was fine and doing well, that there was no need for him to worry-- But Kakashi knew well enough what fine meant.
If he left it much longer, Obito might get the wrong idea - if he hadn't already. He needed to clear the air now, make sure Obito understood, and.. give him a proper chance to explain. That was what Gai had told him to do. Give Obito another chance to apologize - and Kakashi had an apology of his own to give, too.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and once his sandals were off, started to wander through the house in search of the Uchiha.

"Obito?"

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He flushed stupidly at Obito's soft touches, but his words were jarring - almost like the other man was gently caressing his face to distract Kakashi from what he was actually saying.. But it hit home, and it hit home hard. He frowned then, embarrassment over his own gushing forgotten as he was instead shrouded by a different emotion, one he couldn't quite place.

"You're simplifying the idea of love too much.." Kakashi said, his tone almost offended. His only experience had come from Minato's hopelessly romantic antics wtih Kushina, and the beloved little novels he had thumbed cover to cover so many times before. Despite being labelled as porn, it was romance at it's heart, and the relationship was the part Kakashi was most interested in.. Perhaps it was those two sources that had painted his impression of what it meant to be in love and be in a relationship, he wasn't sure. But what he did know was that the picture Obito was painting seemed all wrong to him.

"I want to make lots of people happy, but it doesn't mean I want to be their boyfriend." His words were quiet, and his head ducked in Obito's hold, his chest constricting with a sharp sting at those words. It took him a few moments to realise they hurt. When he'd told Gai that he couldn't do this anymore, Gai had met him with unconditional security, reaffirming that he would be at Kakashi's side no matter what he decided. He wasn't hurt, he didn't try to talk him out of it.. Maybe it showed that Gai didn't love him, he couldn't know for sure without asking, but it certainly showed that Obito was being selfish here.

"If there's so little importance for it having a name, why are you insistent that I stick with being a boyfriend, when I've told you I can't?" he asked, looking up at Obito with a sad but hard expression. "You know I'm not happy like this, yet I should do it anyway? If that's the case, then by your own definition.. you don't love me at all."

"I never said to keep calling us boyfriends Kakashi. I never asked for that at all. I want you to be happy." He seemed to wilt, all the wind taken out of his sails as Kakashi did that thing he sometimes did where he picked a point that he thought was true and ran with it... and seemed to miss everything else he'd been saying.

"But do you even know what would make you happy? The name of it doesn't matter. You're placing ALL the importance on the damn name. All of it. Like suddenly the name changed anything." He lifted a hand, waving it sharply through the air.

For the first time since all this started, he was actually mad. Genuinely mad because he'd tried for months. Months of Kakashi acting like everything was suddenly different when it wasn't as different as he seemed to want it to be for some reason. "One word and suddenly you decide that everything has to change completely for some awful reason. Almost nothing did. Kissing you once, AND ONCE WAS ALL I ASKED FOR BY THE WAY." He paused, took a breath, lowered his raising voice. "Once. Just so you knew the option was open through and through, and you start flipping out and deciding 'oh everything must be different now' and 'them doing the things they've done since I was a fucking teenager is suddenly this huge thing that must be regarded with suspicion at every turn'."

He put both hands on his shoulders and leaned in, meeting his eyes and giving him a little shake. "I want you happy but no matter what I do you won't let me and your solution tends to be to just. Just." No no we're not going angry tears... yes we are going to angry tears. Fuck it. Fuck it, he didn't care.

He needed to make this clear already because obviously Kakashi had these stupid notions in his head. "I'm not selfless. I'm selfish. I want to figure out how to make you happy with you near me instead of you running off doing who even knows what and getting yourself hurt again, or maybe even dying, I don't even know. You already almost died once in the last month and you were home, where you should have been safe. But no. One of the people I love most in the whole freaking world decides 'I should have a fight with this friend of mine, and if it ends in death, no big deal, it's not like it would completely destroy anyone or anything'."

He pressed his lips together. "Well you're wrong, you stupid, selfish asshole, okay? It's like every time I just hold my tongue and accept something you turn around and make me regret it and regret it hard. So I'm not going to hold my tongue. Not being with you I know, because I know you, is going to take what we had and set it back about fifty steps because you'll sit there doing the 'what was boyfriend things? what wasn't?' dance until you're blue in the face. And you haven't even been clear what you want either!"

He shifted his position a little, dragging Kakashi back into a hug even as he practically growled at him. "No I want to be with you. I shouldn't be with you. I'm uncomfortable. It's what I want. You haven't told me once what you actually want Kakashi. I'm not going to just suck it up and assume you're being straight with me. That's Gai's thing. You're never straight with me and if you think I haven't noticed it you're wrong. Completely wrong and I'm not even going to let you think I don't notice."

He knew he wasn't letting Kakashi get a word in. He knew it and he didn't let him pause his words or break in. "So fine, if you don't want to be with me. Say so. Mean it. Don't not want to be with me for the sake of not getting between me and Gai or I'll fucking punch you across the damn room, understand me? I love you. I want you happy. I'm tired of you never being happy no matter what I do, you stupid, stupid idiot. If you don't want kisses ever again, then I won't give you any. But don't get so hung up on a damn word being what's important here when the damn word was just a word and an admittance of everything already there."

He drew in a breath, dipped his head so he was speaking fiercely into his ear. "And I mean you too Kakashi. It. Was. Already. There. I've been chasing you and watching you and trying to get close to you most of my damn life. I'm going to keep working on it because I don't know how to give up. I'm not going to start now. And I'm going to keep making mistakes because you won't tell me what you really want and never have."

He took in a breath, rubbed his wet cheek against Kakashi's and finally drew to a close. "I want you, and I want you to fucking smile again. Okay? So don't tell me I'm oversimplifying things. I'm not. You have no idea how few people I actually want to see happy in this world the way I want to see it on you."

Edited 2014-11-09 20:58 (UTC)

Kakashi didn't make a sound, didn't make a single murmur till Obito was finished. He let himself be pulled and pushed around, moved and talked at for the entire duration of Obito's words, letting the silence linger a little once he was finished.. Just to let the words sink in.

And then he burst into tears.

Kakashi's tears were usually silent and stifled, like a secret.. but these were wracking sobs that convulsed through his entire body, making his stomach hurt with the way they pushed uncontrollably forwards from him, his voice erupting into a muffled cry as he got his hands up to his face and pushed it into his palms.

Kakashi had this problem wherein he couldn't quite grasp the concept that people cared about him. He'd always had it, and probably always would. He could be told time and time again, witness their care through their actions, and still he'd doubt and doubt till he found himself in a situation where he'd push them away under the confused guise of thinking it was what was best for them.
He'd done it with Tenzou. He'd noticed the man getting very close, and just as he was about to open up to him... He martyred himself, saving Tenzou from the weight of Kakashi's feelings and sacrificing their friendship for what he thought would be Tenzou's happiness.. But it wasn't, it never was.

Even people like Gai - Gai who'd always been there, who was Kakashi's rock, his constant... Kakashi had even doubted him, failing to truly notice until now that Gai might feel more for him than just a brother.
He'd doubted Obito in droves, which had led him here under the impression that cutting himself off would save Obito from this kind of sadness... But he'd only made it worse. Yet even now he could barely understand what there was in him that Obito could like, let alone love.

The constant reassurance broke him, though, and he clung to Obito with tight hands, crying harder than he had since he was very, very young.

"I'm sorry--" he managed eventually, then only cried harder. That was the best he could do? Some words Obito probably had no faith in anymore when they came out of his mouth? He didn't deserve this comfort.

He was not really surprised. Somehow, on some level, Kakashi crying, well, crying more, was something he'd been aiming for. He never seemed to be heard if there wasn't some dramatic reaction, so he accepted this one without a thought. Kakashi heard him.

He hugged him tighter, tucking Kakashi under his chin as he shifted up on his knees a little so that Kakashi fit there comfortably. "I know Kakashi. I know. I love you anyway." One arm around his shoulders, the other started to card Kakashi's hair.

He felt okay now. Whatever Kakashi did now, he could handle it. He could feel in his bones he'd be okay with what was decided because Kakashi finally got the point.

Kakashi couldn't speak through the hiccups that were his sobs, and he heaved in deep shuddering breaths as best he could between each breathless wail of a cry. He couldn't stop, and was suddenly reminded why he hated crying so much. It hurt. Physically and emotionally, to be this weak and vulnerable, to cry this hard after so many years.

"Should-" His hands gripped at Obito's shoulders, his shirt, tugging it, shaking it, making sure he understood that Kakashi understood. "I- should tell you what I want.." he garbled, the words coming out gross-sounding and nasally through his tears. He hadn't even stopped crying yet, but he wanted this over as soon as possible now. He was so tired, so weary of hoisting all this on his back.. The end was in view and Kakashi was desperate to reach for the light.

"You should." He nuzzled at his temple, hugging him securely close. "You shouldn't say what you think anyone needs from you. Just what you want. Really want, okay?" His tone was gentler, so much gentler, and he kept up the petting, soothing him with his hand and making sure he could feel his presence close.

He didn't try to hush him, because he knew more than anyone how rarely the man cried.

Kakashi nodded, opened his mouth to say something.. and ended up just crying more. So he paused, gave himself a minute or two to let his sobs calm, comforted by the hands Obito had on him and by the steady air of hope heading toward them.

He shifted away from Obito a little once he was calmer, and sat back to push his hitai-ate off his forehead and tug his mask down under his chin to reveal his reddened face. His usually sleepy-looking open eye was puffy and watery, and he gulped in air like he'd been holding his breath for days once his face was free.
He wiped his face on his hand, then looked sheepishly up at Obito, ashamed and embarrassed of the state he was in.

"I.. I want you. And Gai, both of you. But I want it like it was before. I don't want.. to be your boyfriend, I just want t-..to be Kakashi. And you be Obito, and Gai be Gai. I want the three of us to stay exactly how we were, because that's when I liked it the most.. Except instead of.. avoiding you when you flirt with me, I could understand that you mean it, and.. maybe we could keep going out together, and maybe find more excuses to spend time together-.." he paused, averted his eyes.

"The commitment scares me, I don't know why.. I always thought I'd find a someone like in my books, like Sensei did. I thought I'd find them, it would click and everything would fit easily into place; I'd dote on them, make them happy and that would be my story, but.. it's nothing like that. It's confusing and difficult and I realize I don't know how to dote on someone, or love someone like that, let alone make them happy for the rest of their lives.." He flushed, then felt stupid for it. He'd always had a squishy inside, a soft spot for romantic gestures, and he wasn't sure if Obito had ever picked up on it, so to admit it now was more than a little embarrassing. He scrubbed at his eyes, wishing his mask wasn't drenched so he could have at least hid behind that...

"Some days I want to be alone, and some days I want to bury myself in a recognizable scent and not move.. I can't ever make up my mind, I'm not reliable. I don't regret trying to be your boyfriend, but it doesn't work for me.. But I won't leave you. I still want to be yours, just.. Not like that. Not yet, at least. Does that make sense? I don't mind if you and Gai are still together, in fact I kind of want you to be, I just.." He shook his head. "Not yet. If that's okay.."

He listened to him, then moved his hand from his hair to gently pet his face, wiping away moisture and not minding how messy the other man looked at all. Words were so important to Kakashi, he knew that, but he'd rushed using them. It was okay though It was easy to fix and he leaned in, gently kissing the not normally exposed section of cheek before lifting his head back away.

"Of course it's okay. It's up to you what you want to do with me, okay? And now you know that what you want to do is okay, I hope? Be it cuddles or kisses or just sitting across the same room because you don't want to talk and want company. Sound about right? I don't want anything you don't want to give Kakashi, that was never the idea."

Kakashi let out a long, slow breath. His entire frame seemed to collapse with the soft kiss and Obito's words, over a months worth of tension bleeding out of him. He flopped forwards, his arms snaking almost automatically around Obito's neck and tugging himself close. It had taken some push and pull from both parties, there had been tears and moments where Kakashi thought he'd broken them beyond repair, but now they were here, and Kakashi hadn't lost or sacrificed anything or anyone.

He shifted to press his lips against Obito's, just once, a quick little movement but essentially it was the first time he'd kissed Obito on impulse, without any sort of convincing.. so it was important.

"Thank you."

The gesture drew a smile out of him, warm and brilliant as he ran a fingertip along his cheek. "You're welcome Kakashi."

He was quiet for a long moment. "...SO we should probably get up off the floor."

Kakashi couldn't help but let his mouth twitch slightly, his own version of a grin to return Obito's. He didn't realize how relieving it was to see Obito smile like that again, especially since Kakashi knew it was honest. It had been much too long since he'd last seen it.

"Probably..." he nodded at Obito's next few words, and started to untangle himself so that he could stand on kind of weary legs.

He slid off his lap, working his way back up to the chair with something less graceful than his normal. Then again, his balance had been a bit weird lately, so that wasn't exactly... helpful. He managed to get up with success though, offering Kakashi his hands.

Maybe it was the subject they'd just been discussing, but when Obito offered him his hands he found his cheeks fill with warm color. He accepted them nonetheless, but mourned the fact that it was completely on show with the lack of his mask..

He noticed the flush... and as soon as Kakashi was on his feet, he pulled him into a hug, just cuddling the other man against himself for a moment.

Kakashi held himself close, tucking his warm face into Obito's shoulder, appreciating the comfort for whatever reason it was there and taking a moment to just bask in the lack of tension and stress in his body.

He hugged him securely and rubbed his face against him, so much calmer now, content that things had resolved. Finally.

Kakashi was equally as content.. but also incredibly tired. He didn't realise how much this weight had been draining him, and he noticed that with the relaxed ease came a definite sag and slowness to his frame.

"I'm worn out.." he muttered with a weak little laugh into Obito's shoulder.

Edited 2014-11-10 18:02 (UTC)

"We can take a nap?" It was a murmur, and he hugged him closer as Kakashi leaned a bit more. "I'm not exactly in best form here either."

He reached up his other hand to pet lazily through the hair at the back of Obito's head as he made a noise of agreement, leaning on the man so much he was almost a dead weight.

"I think we both could definitely use a rest."

He smiled and eased back, reaching up and lacing his fingers loosely through Kakashi's as he took his hand from him and started to move backward. "Let's go sleep then, yeah?"

Kakashi flushed horribly when Obito took his hand, taking a long pause to just stare at their fingers before his legs remembered how to move and he followed obediently.. Obito had never held his hand before, it had always been subtle little brushes and touches, never holds, and the deep seated romantic in Kakashi put this action and their previous conversation together to make his face blush furiously scarlet.

He ran his glance over his face, and he committed it to memory, his lips tipping up in a smile. He didn't make any comments though, instead heading straight for the bedroom, going to his dresser and fishing out a spare mask Kakashi had left behind in his laundry on a previous visit and setting it by the bed before making sure he was devoid of anything pokey and finally releasing his hand to crawl into the bed, holding the covers open for Kakashi to do the same.

Kakashi was quietly overwhelmed by the soft treatment Obito was giving him; the offer of the mask striking him somewhere deep inside as if it was a selflessly romantic action. To anyone else it might have not been, but to Kakashi it was Obito respecting him without complaint, and it may well have been a bouquet of flowers with how Kakashi flushed as he picked it up.

He didn't put it on, though.. He left it where it was, turning to Obito with a muted smile before clambering into the offered space beside him.

He was satisfied with that, and rolled over to tuck into his favorite sleep position with Kakashi, half sprawled on top of the other man, his face tucked against his neck. "G'night." Even if it was just a nap... It felt appropriate, and he closed his eyes to try and get a little sleep.

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[Closed] Where the hurt is.

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