sunshineverse | [Closed] Where the hurt is.

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[Closed] Where the hurt is.

Who: Kakashi Hatake & Obito Uchiha.
When: October 9.
Where: Obito's home, probably late afternoon.

The first sign that he'd been avoiding this a little too long came when he approached Obito's home. The ANBU guards standing stationary outside followed him with their masks, hidden gazes lingering just a touch longer than they would have normally before they let him pass, seemingly surprised that his chakra signature proved he was who he seemed to be.
The second came when he walked through the quiet house, and noticed that now he felt almost alien in the four walls he'd spent so much time in before, like he'd wandered into some strange universe where everything seemed exactly the same but a little bit... off...

It was worrying, and his stomach gave a little grumble of unease that traveled right up his gullet and into his throat. Maybe this really was too soon.... It had only been a day since his talk with Gai, after all--

Kakashi steeled his reserve as he leaned against the wall to take off his sandals. No, he had to do this; now or never. He'd heard from a few reasonably reliable sources that Obito was fine and doing well, that there was no need for him to worry-- But Kakashi knew well enough what fine meant.
If he left it much longer, Obito might get the wrong idea - if he hadn't already. He needed to clear the air now, make sure Obito understood, and.. give him a proper chance to explain. That was what Gai had told him to do. Give Obito another chance to apologize - and Kakashi had an apology of his own to give, too.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and once his sandals were off, started to wander through the house in search of the Uchiha.

"Obito?"

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He was home, but not by much, having taken an early day so he could get some grocery shopping done. The visit from Tenzou had really highlighted to him that his appetite had taken a bit of a dip since he'd only gone once since his talk with Kakashi, and he hadn't gotten much then besides. It wasn't good, and if this drew out... then he couldn't afford for his own weakness to hurt the village in any way.

The crying had helped soothe him, a little, but not enough that he could really afford to put any optimism into it being any other way in the future. That meant that Kakashi would find him finishing up in putting away the groceries he had gotten, movements careful and even, wasting nothing.

It also meant that when Kakashi's chakra touched his senses he was surprised enough to still entirely for a breath before closing the door of his fridge on hearing his name.

He didn't turn to face him though, needing a moment to steel himself, and his tone was quiet. Ambiguous.

"Kakashi."

Kakashi paused by the entrance to the kitchen, taking a moment to look the other man over. Despite not being able to see his face, he was just as capable of reading his body language.. and what he saw was exactly what he'd been worried about.

He felt awkward.. uncomfortable. Obito rarely shut down like this - usually Kakashi was met with the sunny disposition Obito pulled to mask any kind of upset.
This was wrong and strange, and Kakashi's gut tightened with the almost automatic want to fix it and get his friend back to normal-... But he knew he had to persevere, regardless of what curve-balls Obito might throw at him.

"...How have you been?" Probably a stupid question. He regretted it as soon as it left his mouth.

Edited 2014-11-07 12:45 (UTC)

The regret was probably justified. The question made him feel cold. He was still for a breath longer before he managed to wrap cheer around himself like a shield, straightening up some as he turned around, a faint smile on his lips that he really didn't feel. He moved to put his grocery bag away where it lived beside where Kakashi was standing. He could do nothing for his economy of movement, but he could seem otherwise relaxed, if less cheerful than normal.

For Kakashi he could do this, so he would.

His tone was just a touch wry, lighter than a moment before. "I don't see why you need to ask."

Kakashi folded his arms at that, giving Obito a look that wouldn't be swayed no matter how lacking in cheer he was.

"Because I care about you, and I want to know how you've been."

It was the truth. He'd only heard how he'd been, he didn't know for sure-- and besides, he was here to make amends, wasn't he? The first thing he needed to do was reassure Obito that he cared.

The smile faded, and he studied his face carefully for a moment, then dipped his head a touch as he came to stand directly in front of him. His tone was... flat. "Okay. I've been miserable."

He shrugged it away, then shifted on his feet to duck around where he was in the doorway to head to another part of the house.

He could have guessed that much, and wouldn't insult Obito with asking why he'd been so miserable; it would only worsen the mans mood, and besides... He knew that it was probably mostly, if not all, his fault. That wasn't what he was going to apologize for, though, so he moved on from the subject.

"We should probably talk about what happened," he said as he followed the other mans footfalls through the house, just in case he thought he was escaping.

He slowed for a moment,t hen moved off to curl up in his armchair, looking at Kakashi. He knew he was being followed, and while normally it would be comforting, at the moment it just sort of... hurt. He really didn't know where Kakashi was going with this, but wherever it was, he supposed he should just man up and accept it.

"Okay. Then... whatever you want to say."

Kakashi sat away from Obito, keeping his distance to keep the matter strict and formal, but not so far that he seemed cold and uncaring. That was the last thing he wanted. He passed his gaze over his tired almost withered-looking friend, and sighed before he averted his eyes to think carefully about what to say next. This was going to be difficult.

"I went to talk to Gai a few days ago, to see what his take on all this was. I wanted him to understand how I'm feeling, and maybe help me to understand the same, and what I can do about it." He wasn't sure why, but it felt important to Kakashi that Obito knew this, regardless of the fact that the other man was probably well aware that Gai was eventually Kakashi's most comfortable go-to when he wanted to talk about his feelings. Perhaps it showed that Kakashi was learning, that he was putting his days of bottling up his emotions and hiding behind walls, that he was at the very least trying.

"I... should start with a few apologies," he told a spot on Obito's floor, his voice low and careful but by no means was it quiet. "Firstly for the way I treated you after I got back from Uzushio. Avoiding you, being skittish, being vague.. I know it wasn't what you expected, and it definitely wasn't what you deserved. So, I'm sorry for that."

He looked at Obito then, eyes defiant but definitely not hardened by anything other than honesty.

"But I can't apologize for the last few weeks. Like I said when we talked before, I'm not angry with you. That's true even more so now that I've had a little space, but at the time I just-... I just lost it. Your timing couldn't have been worse; everything had accumulated to a peak and just when I thought everything was getting a little more simple in my head, you dropped a bomb shell on me." He balled his fists slightly against the feeling of dread already settling in the pit of his stomach with every word he spoke, terrified that this conversation might prove successful in clearing the air as to Kakashi's feelings, but in doing so might make Obito worse.. He had to make sure the man understood, properly.

"You are much too important to me to just throw away on a mistake that happened years ago, Obito. Loyalty and trust goes both ways, and regardless of what trust you broke with me, my loyalty to you still stands - that won't ever break. I was hurt, you made a mistake not telling me, but I can understand now why you did it. I needed this time to get my head on straight, to understand what I want and what I need to say to you. Yes, I didn't talk to you, but don't ever think that I was happy about it.."

He was quiet while Kakashi spoke, looking back at him quietly and felt a lopsided ghost of a smile come and go again. Kakashi hadn't said he wasn't angry at him before, and he wasn't sure if Kakashi even realized that. At least, if he had, he certainly didn't remember it happening. He didn't look away though, just drawing his legs up into the chair and taking a deep breath... before letting it out a bit roughly.

"I didn't expect any apology Kakashi." The murmur was carefully parsed, soft, low, but even. Steady. "I didn't mean to hurt you with when I picked, but I picked it for a reason. More selfishness I'm afraid, on my behalf that is. So I apologize for that." He shook his head once, leaning back against the chair back. "What else do you need to say to me?"

At least Obito was giving him more than a handful of words now. That was definitely progress, right? It worried him when Obito didn't talk, just the same as it worried him when Obito didn't shroud his upset with a facade of happiness. Staring into his face when his expression was so empty and weak was one of the more terrifying things he'd experienced, and again he felt that desperate need to haul Obito back to normal.

"I need to tell you... That even though I'm not angry at you, and don't blame you because I understood that you've learnt from your mistake... I'm going to need some time to learn to trust you again, and to trust myself around you."

He took a breath, stared into those dark eyes with his own, the lashes of his borrowed burden blinking under his mask, a reminder of what Obito meant to him... A reminder of the selfless grin Obito had given him while red ran down from a closed eyeless socket, the wide grin, the all too confident thumbs up-- He needed to do this, and it was now or never, so he opened his mouth and let all his inhibitions go.

"When you asked Gai and I to be with you I made a decision for all of us. I don't regret it. Selfishly, some part of me definitely wanted it, but I was only thinking of you and Gai. I wasn't considering the finer details, I wasn't thinking of myself... You two love each other so much and I've had to watch all this time while you hit and miss finally making something of it, always missing the chance to be happy together.. I finally had a chance to see that, to be a part in making you both happy, and I do love the both of you but it isn't the same, surely you can see that? I can't get in the way anymore..."

"You know we never got together because you weren't involved, right?" It was almost offhand, simple, soft, and he tilted his head a little, never losing that steadiness he was leaning so hard on. He needed that to get through this or he'd fall to pieces.

That wouldn't help anything.

"The first time we kissed you even came up, and it was... just kind of there. Does this mean you've decided... you don't want to be involved anymore then?"

"Involved is a far throw from being committed, Obito."

Kakashi's voice was just as steady, and his grip tightened slightly as he willed Obito to understand without flying off the handle. If there were tears, if there was an emotionless shut down.. Kakashi didn't know what he'd do. He had to lure this back from the brink before he lost his grasp on it forever.

"I'm not saying I don't want to be involved like I'm not interested, but you have to see that what I am to the both of you is not an equal in terms of a relationship.. Far from it. I don't work as a a third wheel." He didn't work as part of a relationship at all, he understood that now. "How can I be a boyfriend when at the best of times I struggle to be a good friend?"

He closed his eyes, honestly not sure what Kakashi was expecting out of him, but it hurt. It hurt a lot. "That's not true. That's never been true."

He opened his eyes after a moment, but was just staring slightly to the left of Kakashi at first. "But words have never exactly been a thing that gets through so arguing with you isn't about to get me anywhere is it?"

He slid his gaze back to him, keeping his voice even and low, tightly controlled. "Just be clear with me Kakashi. Please."

"Never been true? Obito... it's more true today than it has been every time I've messed up in the past, every time I've hurt you or evaded you or let you down.." His voice was wavering now, the soft determination turning into a tone of desperation, inflected in the rising volume of his voice.

"I've been a terrible friend to you. But that stops today. I'm done with not listening and not talking. I'm finally opening up, so talk to me, argue with me. Tell me I'm wrong. If you have to see me as the brat I was at thirteen years old then so be it."

He wavered for a moment, swallowing thickly and fighting to hold onto his composure. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just do this? He bit down tighter on his emotions in return.

"I don't know what to say. I don't know what you intend to do. You're not... it's not clear what you want to do. You feel unequal, you aren't. I never had to worry about where I stood with you, because I always stood somewhere. Now I'm... not as sure. So tell me what this is.Don't confuse it in contradiction, okay?"

"I might be equal to the both of you in our friendship, but in terms of romantic intention, I am.." He sighed quietly, putting a hand into his hair, fingers gripping onto the fabric of his headband as he tried to puzzle out where Obito's head was at. "You and Gai have years of history behind you - you've practically been together all this time - and now I'm somehow in the mix?"

He shook his head a little and avoided looking at Obito as he spoke now. "It's not leaving me out if I'm not a part of this, you know. What would you be missing out on, after all? Having a boyfriend you can't even spend time with because he gets so paranoid that he'll mess up around you that he'd rather spend weeks at festivals, in neighboring villages.. This is the first fight we've had for a long time, and it's all because I can't handle anyone depending on me like that right now. I can't be that vulnerable..." He swallowed, then flicked his visible eye to Obito. "I can't be that vulnerable around you, at least not now."

"Are you saying you're done Kakashi?" It was hard, to show nothing one way or another, because this hurt. It hurt a lot. "Because I don't know what it changed, really, to notice something already there. It's not like I was asking you to jump into bed with me, and I know Gai wasn't either." He quieted, breathing carefully, focusing on the even pattern to settle himself, retreating behind calm. He'd gotten good at it, and it wasn't like this was any kind of place for him to be hurt.

That wouldn't be fair. "So if you don't want it, I guess I'll just have to accept that. Okay? But don't go throwing it in Gai's face if it's just me either, okay? I may have asked you both, but it's not like it wasn't something that hadn't been silently agreed on anyway." He flashed a brief, oddly even smile that was gone again as quickly. "I got impatient. Stupid of me."

It was all Kakashi could do to not stand up and smack Obito around the face for that.. but as he'd already learnt, anger didn't get him anywhere even when it was deserved. He could see this hurt Obito, and yet he was doing everything he could to bottle that up, and Kakashi hated it.
Though, sadistically, he supposed that this might have been exactly how Obito had felt whenever Kakashi had avoided talking about his feelings in the past. That hurt to think about.

"Don't you dare," Kakashi started. His eyebrow was drawn down into a glare, but his voice was uneven and sad-sounding rather than angry. At least he was looking at Obito again. "I told you this doesn't mean I'm not interested, but- I don't know. I can't be to you what Gai is to you. As far as I'm concerned, I don't match up. Gai makes you happy, and look what I do to you--" He waved a hand at Obito.

"I didn't want to come here and hurt you more, I just wanted to tell you that you should go and be happy with him, forget me being in the mix and take my blessing. And no, that isn't me being an emotional martyr here. You both mean the world to me, but the commitment this mess brought made me terrified of hurting you, and that fear made exactly what I was worried about come true. I hurt both of you - I avoided both of you. I don't want to do that anymore, but I can't stop myself as long as I'm in this mess. I'm not cut out for it, Obito."

He dipped his head then, bringing a hand up to press against his face. It was quivering some with how hard he was clinging to his emotions. "Do you have some confused idea that ducking out after I got you is somehow going to hurt me less Kakashi?"

This was turning into a mess, and as soon as he saw Obito's arm raise Kakashi's body seemed to move without thinking. He went straight over to the other, knelt before him and put a hand to his shoulder. There was probably a thousand ways he could have done this better, and he was sure that had he been a better man he would have cracked it... But unfortunately Obito had been unlucky enough to get him instead of someone halfway decent.

"Obito.. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to be honest with you."

The touch killed his resolve to hold onto his composure then and there, and a sob escaped him almost immediately, then another as he hid his face, unable to stop the tears from coming anymore. It hurt too much, and it just made him feel more terrible because he tried to be so good about this. He'd been trying so hard to let Kakashi just decide this without- without feeling guilty or something because of him.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't- I can't." He shifted, then threw his arms around his shoulders. "Please, I'm sorry."

Kakashi had been so sure, so resolute in the way he was going to approach this that he'd convinced himself into thinking it was foolproof... and now he was certain he'd only managed to wreck things even further.

"Don't apologize, you moron, this isn't on you it's me.." he whispered, shifting to hold Obito close about the shoulders. "Why can't you see that? It's nothing you've done or haven't done, it's all on me.."

He shook his head and dragged him closer, holding onto him tightly like that was going to make him change his mind even as he cried harder, twisting his fingers in the cloth of Kakashi's shirt like he was trying to keep him from escapng. First he pushed them away, fine, Kakashi did that, then he almost died, and he couldn't see or talk to him for weeks. Now this? He couldn't do it. He knew on some level he wasn't being left behind and abandoned by the person he'd managed to convince himself wouldn't do it, but it still felt like that.

And it felt like he'd done it to himself. "Don't leave. Please. Please."

Kakashi's heart broke with those words, the weight hitting him like a punch to the chest, stinging in his ribs and burning through him like a blade. Seeing Obito's tears always hurt, but knowing they were his fault? Nothing was painful like this was, and as Obito scrabbled to hold him closer Kakashi freely let him, pressing close to let the other soak what little comfort he could from him.

"I told you, you're too important to leave behind.." He had to pick his words carefully now.. It would be too easy to make this worse. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm still right here."

Kakashi might have gotten more careful, but Obito had lost all ability to do so himself. It was like Tenzou's visit had been a sort warm up for the real thing, because this was so so much worse. It hurt worse, it was harder to speak and not speak, and his resolve was broken into itty bitty bits by how hard it was to believe that when he'd braced himself for just that for weeks.

It was too hard, and when he started talking it was a rush of words, broken with half choked sobs so he could talk around them and augmented by the too tight hold. "You didn't say. You said you said and you didn't say. I just knew you were angry. At me. And told me to go away. And you were still hurt. You'd almost died and you were still hurt and you made me go away. But I went and I waited and I knew. And I'm sorry. I did try, I swear I tried but I couldn't, and it was so long and I couldn't and it went just like I thought." He was shaking his head again, now, half crawling off the chair to get closer as he kept talking. "Was going to be good about it because it was my fault. If you decided to just stay away but it's too hard Kakashi and I can't, and I'm sorry because I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't. I wasn't going to do that to you."

"I'm sorry. Just don't go away please. I can't. I can't anymore."

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