[Closed] I wish I could lay down beside you..

[mokutonno]

Who: Yamato and Kakashi
When: December 31st an hour or so before midnight
Where: Roof of the Oolong Dragon (Yamato's apartment)
What: Yamato spends new years on his roof with good sake. Kakashi joins him.

With little past to speak of, Yamato had few traditions, but the one's he did have, he held in high regard and honored them whenever his free time allowed. New Year's spent with Tae-san over a bottle of excellent sake, was no exception and given the upheaval of the past half year, he was more than eager to politely decline all other invitations in favor of the matrons company. 

They shared the tasks of preparing food and settled around the back table of the tea shop, whiling away the early evening with pots of tea and hit the sake soon after (under Tae-sans insistence).
The lantern light was soft and their conversation amicable from years of sharing the same building and each others stories and Yamato relaxed, little by little, as the night wore on.

An hour before midnight found the table clear and his kindly neighbor, hugging him tight about the waist, as she bid him goodnight and a happy new year before she retired to bed. It had been the same every year; her aversion to loud noises, fireworks in particular, having never lessened in the many years he'd known her.

So it was, that with the shop lights dimmed, Yamato snagged a blanket and the last of the sake and headed for the roof above; settling down with something like childish delight - if not a little drunken silliness - to view the fireworks and see the new year in as he'd done so many times before.  
 

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[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi's breath all but stopped at that sight. He'd never seen Tenzou cry unless it was from a great deal of pain, but this was emotional and real and directed at him.. and Kakashi couldn't help but feel like all the wind had been knocked right out of him as he stared into Yamato's dark eyes. It was oddly beautiful, seeing someone so strong break down in a moment like this, and though it hurt Kakashi's heart to see him cry, he knew he wasn't doing it out of sadness, and that lifted his spirits like nothing else could. With Yamato's words, Kakashi heard something he didn't realise he'd been craving to hear since he'd left ANBU, and all he could do was stare.

Not for the first time, Kakashi tentatively rose a hand to delve into the hair at the back of Yamato's head, the action almost automatic as a response to seeing the man in some form of distress (usually a drunken one if their track record was anything to go by) as if he were stuck in a trance. In this position he couldn't exactly encourage Yamato to sleep off his sadness like he had when the pair had last been drunk and emotional together, so instead Kakashi dawdled on making any more moves and just ran the tips of his fingers through Yamato's hair for a moment, his uncovered palm enjoying the sensation as his brain tried to process everything that was happening all at once.

He wasn't sure when his brain had pushed his next move into motion until it was much too late to stop it. He had pushed forwards, the hand in Yamato's hair an anchor to reel the other man in closer as Kakashi shifted and finally, finally pressed their lips together. His were still covered by the fabric of his mask, but it didn't matter as the heat of Yamato's breath still seeped through the fabric, and over a decades worth of tension seemed to bleed from his frame.

[mokutonno]

The touch was more than welcome and Yamato leaned into the careful brush of fingers, letting his lashes flutter closed.

The tension between them was palpable, reminding him of the wait for the first strike in a battle, but when the next movement came he didn't even attempt to defend himself.

Breath first, then a brush of familiar fabric, covering the press of a warm mouth he'd never expected against his own. His breathing stalled and Yamato held perfectly still under the pressure, because wasn't this just the stuff of long squashed dreams..perhaps that was why he suddenly felt so terrified.

It started with a tremble in his hands. The blanket, the sake bottle, both sat forgotten in favor of reaching out to grip the fabric of Kakashi's shirt, seeking
reassurance even as he pressed the minutest amount back into the kiss.

[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi's body felt detached from the kiss, like he and Yamato were a million miles away from the two shinobi sitting on the roof of a tea house together, and the only thing anchoring them together was the join of their lips. He felt the tremble in Yamato's hand and probably would have pulled away had it not been for the small reciprocation the other man offered in the form of the slightest press of lips returned to him.

The hand in Yamato's hair stayed resolute, keeping him close. It was then that the sudden explosion of fireworks pierced the dark sky, but Kakashi didn't and wouldn't pull away. If anything his kiss became more insistent, his mind swirling in an excited haze, unable to ignore how romantic this seemed... how perfect it was.

[mokutonno]

He made a noise of surprise at the first explosion, startled enough to attempt pulling away, but Kakashi held him fast. That insistence had his heart pounding and Yamato shivered from the adrenalin rush that followed.

He pressed back then, eager to show his willingness, even as his mind whirled at everything it could mean, but at the next whoosh of sparks and light, Yamato slid his hand up to Kakashi's collar bone and eased him back, breaking the kiss but leaving only the barest amount of space between them.

Opening his eyes was difficult, as if seeing would break the moment, but his need for confirmation overrode his fear enough to flicker dark lashes open and shudder out a nervous breath between them. It was midnight, the start of a new year and Yamato had never felt so lost for words in his life.

[scarecrowboy]

As Yamato pushed him back Kakashi spared the few seconds of pause between them for a breath, and as another set of lights erupted into the sky the copy-nin raised his hand to his face, fingers hooking in the fabric across his nose and tugged it down to rest under his chin.

He knew Yamato would want to look at him, would want to reassure himself and reassure Kakashi, but Kakashi didn't want questions now.. He didn't want to think or wait or do anything that wasn't pressing his lips against Yamato's without the barrier of his mask, and so that's what he did. He gave Yamato that crucial moment to look into his open eye and to look at his face, to see that he meant this, and then their lips were together again.

[mokutonno]

He tried to maintain eye contact, he really did, but the soft line of Kakashi's mouth was far more fascinating to his overloaded mind and then it was pressed against his again and it honestly didn't matter any more.
Insistent pressure and cool skin were the only things Yamato could process now and with a soft noise, he gave in. Both arms went about Kakashi's neck, keeping them close and going some way to alleviate the trembling that wouldn't leave Yamato's limbs.

The fireworks carried on unnoticed and he couldn't help but muse that this feeling was surely closer to butterflies than sparks, but maybe they had it right about drowning.

[scarecrowboy]

If Kakashi had thought that Yamato kissing back at first had rid him of tension, he hadn't seen anything yet. When Yamato's arms lifted to encircle his neck Kakashi could have sworn he felt his heart stutter in his chest, and his whole body turned malleable and smooth.. His very skin was alight with trepidation, warmed through with excitement despite the freezing temperatures surrounding them. Kakashi paid no heed to the fireworks as they carried on and on to celebrate the new year.. He only wished that they continue, so he could stay in this moment as long as possible.

[mokutonno]

The taste of sake was strong between their mouths and Yamato's return kisses were tentative and soft with his inexperience. His heart hammered in his chest, excitement, nervousness and alcohol mixing into a heady cocktail that had his mind fogged and his attention zeroed in on everyplace they touched.

Not doubt somewhere, far from here, Yukimi was laughing at him and squealing something along the lines of 'I told you so!' and for once he didn't mind at all.

[scarecrowboy]

Eventually the fireworks died down and with them came the chill of the night air, a harsh reminder that sitting on a roof in the middle of the night at the start of the year when temperatures were at their coldest was really a foolish idea. Kakashi didn't feel foolish, though, especially not as his hand brushed against Yamato's jaw as he pulled back. There wasn't even an ounce of sake affecting his consciousness right now, or if there was he couldn't tell.

With their lips no longer joined, Kakashi studied his redfaced kouhai and gave him a little grin, unhindered by the fabric of his mask.

"Maybe we should go inside. It's only going to get colder out here."

[mokutonno]

Yamato blinked dazedly up at the other man, struggling to process the lack of contact and unable to stop the rush of heat to his already flush face at that grin.

Kakashi's words and the chill of the world around them, finally hit their mark and he glanced around, as if waking from a dream, noting with some amount of bashfulness that they'd missed the fireworks completely. The smell of sulfur was thick in the air though and Yamato took a deep breath to clear his head, before nodding and gathering up his blanket and the two sake bottles.

Getting to his feet was an exercise in balance that he didn't quite have just yet, and it was a little thrill to feel comfortable enough to lean a little more on Kakashi than was strictly necessary as they navigated the way back down to his apartment.

The heating was on and there were considerably more blankets and Yamato quietly entertained the thought of whether Kakashi would want to stay or not, while keeping a firm grip on any hope that want summoned; he felt lucky enough as it was to have gained the attention he had and would rather not push that luck if he could help it.

[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi kept an arm around Yamato as they descended from the roof to the safe warmth of his apartment, supporting his slightly more intoxicated friend down every step and ensuring he didn't fall flat on his face. It was the least he could do, and if it meant Kakashi had an excuse to be close then that was merely a bonus.

Once inside he wandered through Yamato's apartment as if it were his own, guiding the other man with him.

"We should probably get some rest.. sleep this off before it becomes a headache.." he muttered as an explanation while he led Yamato toward his bedroom.

It was easy to be vulnerable and soft like this around Yamato for the simple reason that all the idolisation and hero worship in the past meant that Kakashi always had the upper hand of the situation; if there was something he wanted, he could ask for it, and there was no danger of too much too soon being ambushed out of him. There was a level of trust and respect between them that Kakashi hadn't really been able to explain until now, but suddenly it made sense, and because of that he felt comfortable here.

[mokutonno]

The sake bottles were discarded at the kitchen counter as they passed and the bedroom was in comfortable stumbling distance from there.

"Thank god neither of us are on duty tomorrow." Was his mumbled comment, already anticipating a gale force hangover come morning and he sank down gratefully onto his mattress with Kakashi's help.

Yamato had a distinct sense of deja vu at this point, but was warmed by the knowledge that he didn't have to ask this time; Kakashi was preparing to sleep as much as he was and he toed off his sandals, before resettling the blanket properly and stretched out chilled muscles with a content sigh.

[scarecrowboy]

"Tell me about it," Kakashi muttered, depositing his drunken cohort on one side of the bed before he turned away to rid himself of his flak jacket. His gloves and hitai-ate were next after he dug them out of the pockets, and he laid them out neatly on the chest at the end of Yamato's bed.

That brought back memories, and he wondered then what had become of his ANBU gear after they'd met in HQ for what was possibly the last time. There were other times to think of that, though, and other times to bring it up, and instead Kakashi set to work on removing his shirt and the mask attached to it.

[mokutonno]

The room was dim, only the soft glow of street lanterns making it through to illuminate the space around them but his head still swam from the stimulus.
Yamato closed his eyes against it, fighting off the bout of dizzy movement, curling more onto his side and murmuring in discomfort.

He only opened them again when he felt Kakashi shift closer, the mattress sinking under his weight and he was greeted with the sight of a very pale torso and the even paler lines of the other mans neck and jaw.
Despite his best efforts, Yamato's gaze lingered there for a moment; taking in the vision of Kakashi kneeling over him, sans shirt and mask and swallowed thickly around the complicated squirm and flip his insides executed.

He'd closed his eyes for barely a minute, surely he couldn't be asleep already?

His dark gaze trailed further down and ah, there, he certainly wasn't dreaming, his mind would have never fitted that scar across Kakashi's ribs; still angry looking even in the half light and enough to make him flinch with guilt, but not enough to stay his hand.

Yamato reached out, mindless with the need to confirm his friends presence and to rewrite the image of Kakashi he held in his head to include the mark of his own indiscretion. The touch of skin was warm and real under his fingertips, the texture still glossy with new growth even these months later and something inside of him relaxed, like a sigh of relief.

This wasn't a dream, they truly were here and still alive despite what had happened; even with the lines blurring between them with each new boundary crossed, this was the most secure he'd ever felt.

[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi sucked a breath in at the feeling of Yamato's touch, of his fingers ghosting across never-before-touched, sensitive skin. It was strange to be touched at all, let alone with the inclusion of his scar. Kakashi hadn't ever let anyone get close enough to do this, and though the movement itself wasn't much more than a study, than reassurance, there was a level of intimacy to it that Kakashi didn't really understand.

He swallowed, only a little awkward, and smiled in a similar way. He was kind of nervous to be so very vulnerable around Yamato, but the burn of sake still sitting in his stomach was the ebb of courage he need, and he inhaled a slow breath of calm before settling his body beside the other man's.

[mokutonno]

The awkward slant of Kakashi's smile was enough for him to snatch his hand back, blushing a little shame faced in the dimness in the room.

Yamato bit his lip and eased up to lean against the wall, putting some space between them and sitting hunched fiddling with the hem of his shirt and not quite meeting the other mans gaze.

"Sorry that..was weird wasn't it? I just- I haven't seen it healed and I've been meaning to show you- well, Yukimi said it would help.."

He trailed off, prone to babbling when he was nervous, but the chance was almost tenfold when drunk and finally decided to get it over with; prepared to try anything to feel comfortable in his own skin again.

The navy shirt was pulled up and off in a rush and clutched self consciously to his chest but revealed what Yamato had wanted Kakashi to see; dark lines on tan skin, radiating from the top of his shoulder, across his heart and down the inside of his arm, exactly where the attack had scorched his clothing at the end of their fight.
The lines branched over his shoulder and wound tight around his ANBU tattoo, highlighting rather than obscuring and he could only just glance at it, drawing attention to the branch like pattern before ducking his chin.

[scarecrowboy]

There was the mention of Yukimi again, and Kakashi would have reached out to comfort his friend from the babbling mess he'd become had he not seemed to preoccupied with whatever he wanted to show Kakashi. The silver-haired nin swallowed again but with trepidation this time, and nodded to hopefully encourage Yamato, to put him at ease to make this - whatever this was - smoother.

And then it was staring him in the face. Kakashi looked with one eye wide (and the other resolutely shut) frozen in the surprise he'd felt at seeing Yamato stripping so openly and quickly without much explanation, but then he understood. Kakashi had seen that kind of scarring before on the corpses of enemies he struck with chidori; their skin scorched along the lines of their veins with lightning as he forced his attack through whatever part of their body he hit... He'd never seen it on a living body before, and never on a friend.

He didn't have words, couldn't fathom speaking, and instead silently rose his hand to brush his fingers over Yamato's shoulder, over the tattoo and the burnt branches of his veins.

[mokutonno]

He shivered at the touch, not really expecting it all told. It made him look though, really look this time; noting the contrast in their skin tones and the straight lines of Kakashi's fingers against the meandering branches of the scarring.

"..I stopped wearing the bandage after the Lantern festival. Just..trying to get used to it."

Yamato's body was littered with scars but none of them bothered him to the same extent that this one did. Having Kakashi finally see it though and not recoil, seemed to ease the tight knot of guilt more, the same way it had with Yukimi and he breathed a sigh, relaxing his hunched posture almost completely.

[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi was silent for a long moment, smoothed fingertips tracing the branching stretches of the scar, until finally he spoke.

"It's kind of beautiful, huh?" he muttered, and for once didn't shy away from his honesty. Instead he swallowed, and shifted slightly to look Yamato dead in the eye. He meant what he was saying, and he hoped this would be enough to make Yamato believe him.

"These scars aren't anything to be guilty over.." he started with an almost forced tone, like it was hard for him to resist being hard on himself. "Yes, they're reminders that we almost put an end to one another, but equally they're a reminder of our control. We stopped, no-one stopped us. We were the ones that pulled away, we saved each other from the death we were entirely capable of serving... These scars should make us proud..." Should, because even Kakashi hadn't quite harnessed pride and all it's difficulties given his perchance for guilting himself.

[mokutonno]

Beautiful..?

There was that blush again and a series of quiet shivers at every touch across his skin, distracting enough that he almost missed Kakashi's words.

But no quite.

What he was saying, hit home; it was exactly what Yamato had needed to hear, especially from Kakashi. They were alive and that had only happened through their own restraint, that seeing each other safe, had been more important than indulging some long festered ache.

He nodded his agreement, smile small and hopeful as he caught Kakashi's hand against his arm, holding it to the scar, to his tattoo and soaking up the warmth.

"I'll try if you will.."

On this at least, they were in agreement. Forgiving each other was the easy part, but forgiving themselves? That would take some work.

[scarecrowboy]

Yamato's hand was warm on his, and the encouraged touch almost as relieving as seeing the other man smiling that tentative, bashful smile he'd missed seeing so desperately. Kakashi smiled back, unhindered by the lack of his mask, and pressed soft fingers to the cooling plane of Yamato's skin.

It was that small shift in temperature that kicked Kakashi's habit of fussing up a notch, and so he acted on impulse, shifting closer to press his lips against Yamato's again while pushing him down into the cushioning surface of the bed, tugging the covers up over them both to warm them through without detaching their lips even for a moment.

[mokutonno]

The kiss was a pleasant surprise and Yamato went willingly, curling up close and responding tentatively. His shirt stayed between them, clutched in one hand, while the other settled on Kakashi's chest, fingers splayed over the other mans heart and he found comfort in the pulse under warm skin.

The cold and his doubts were chased away with proximity, leaving only a flush across his cheeks behind and Yamato wondered dazedly why it had taken them this long, to breach this gap, the lack of tension was so freeing.

[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi pressed his lips against Yamato's willingly, kissing in a slow and soothing rhythm; comfortable and easy to maintain. This was.. everything he'd ever wanted in a kiss, and in someone kissing him. It was easy and calm, and he didn't feel put on the spot, didn't feel like Yamato expected anything of him, and most importantly he didn't feel like he had to be good at this. As much as he'd enjoyed kissing Obito and Gai, it had felt like a test or a competition due to the fact that Kakashi didn't know how else to approach it. The situation had been all wrong, and hence the last few months had been full of the repercussions of Kakashi's mistakes.. leading his friends into thinking he was content with a relationship when he was quite the opposite.

That was poignant, and once again his head proved detrimental to his actions, as the thought brought forth a swell of thought that he would have much preferred to remain tucked away in the back of his mind. He broke their kiss soon after, thoughts cumulating to a head and finding he just needed a little air to breathe; his kissing was becoming distracted as it was, and couldn't have been any fun for Yamato to experience.

"I.." Kakashi mumbled, averting his eyes and suddenly incredibly self conscious of how kiss-bruised his lips felt. He wasn't used to having them on show like this.

"I just want to make sure we're on the same page..." he muttered eventually. "Before this gets comfortable.. Obito and Gai. When I broke it off with them, I did it because I couldn't handle being tied down. A relationship means lots of things I don't know how to do, lots of things I'm not comfortable with, or ready for.. But this, this that we're doing right now, I can handle that much.. I need to know what you want from me."

[mokutonno]

Those same worries echoed under his ribs, all ripples from their conversation on the roof top and Yamato was content to interrupt the kiss if it meant that he knew where they stood. The thought of anything more than this, any further pressure, made him uncomfortable, anxious with the ties that could impact his duty but what did he want? It was a good question.

So many times they'd been close, shared space, confidence, fears and as much awkward comfort as two war orphans could offer each other, but one desire stayed with him the most.

Falling asleep in the lab had been a weakness, one that he only succumbed to due to exhaustion because, each time he slept, eyes closed and not studying those around him..another light would go out. Yamato would awaken some hours past and there would be another gone, all in what felt like a blink of the eye and he would despair a little more, each blink chipping away at his heart.

It continued on after his rescue. Danzo indulged him hardly ever, but plagued by nightmares and so very young, he had been cradled to the stern mans side and found sleep, only to wake up alone and in his own bed once more. With Kakashi also, it had been the case; always his former captain would be up before him, the space at his side, long gone cold and another moment to add to the ache.

It was with that in mind that Yamato nodded, agreeing with Kakashi's terms and adding his own "This and just..be here, when I wake up?"

He bit his lips and rushed to elaborate "No rude wake up calls or notes or ninken, just.. You. That's all I want."

Don't let me wake up alone went resoundingly unsaid.

[scarecrowboy]

Kakashi exhaled a slow, excruciatingly slow breath of relief.

Kissing Obito and Gai was something he enjoyed; being able to show his affection for them and have it shared was excellent, even more-so now that he didn't feel he was stepping on anyone's toes by having that exchange labelled as a 'relationship'... and now he felt the same way about Yamato. He hadn't had even the slightest inkling that situations like these were possible, that people could kiss and be together without being together - the subject certainly wasn't touched upon in any of his books or the movies he watched, and given that they were his only source of information other than his very much married sensei... it was hardly surprising.

To know that Yamato didn't expect more out of him, and wouldn't ask for it, leaving Kakashi's readiness up to the man himself... It was relieving. It was the same kind of relief he'd felt when Obito had told him that just being a friend they'd kiss sometimes was okay, when Gai treated him exactly the same way after the hiccup of the mission; when none of them saw his special conditions as an annoyance, or something strange..

He was so lucky, and he couldn't be more grateful.

"I can do that." He smiled, honest and wide and entirely on show.