sunshineverse | [Closed] Where the hurt is.

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[Closed] Where the hurt is.

Who: Kakashi Hatake & Obito Uchiha.
When: October 9.
Where: Obito's home, probably late afternoon.

The first sign that he'd been avoiding this a little too long came when he approached Obito's home. The ANBU guards standing stationary outside followed him with their masks, hidden gazes lingering just a touch longer than they would have normally before they let him pass, seemingly surprised that his chakra signature proved he was who he seemed to be.
The second came when he walked through the quiet house, and noticed that now he felt almost alien in the four walls he'd spent so much time in before, like he'd wandered into some strange universe where everything seemed exactly the same but a little bit... off...

It was worrying, and his stomach gave a little grumble of unease that traveled right up his gullet and into his throat. Maybe this really was too soon.... It had only been a day since his talk with Gai, after all--

Kakashi steeled his reserve as he leaned against the wall to take off his sandals. No, he had to do this; now or never. He'd heard from a few reasonably reliable sources that Obito was fine and doing well, that there was no need for him to worry-- But Kakashi knew well enough what fine meant.
If he left it much longer, Obito might get the wrong idea - if he hadn't already. He needed to clear the air now, make sure Obito understood, and.. give him a proper chance to explain. That was what Gai had told him to do. Give Obito another chance to apologize - and Kakashi had an apology of his own to give, too.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and once his sandals were off, started to wander through the house in search of the Uchiha.

"Obito?"

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"Involved is a far throw from being committed, Obito."

Kakashi's voice was just as steady, and his grip tightened slightly as he willed Obito to understand without flying off the handle. If there were tears, if there was an emotionless shut down.. Kakashi didn't know what he'd do. He had to lure this back from the brink before he lost his grasp on it forever.

"I'm not saying I don't want to be involved like I'm not interested, but you have to see that what I am to the both of you is not an equal in terms of a relationship.. Far from it. I don't work as a a third wheel." He didn't work as part of a relationship at all, he understood that now. "How can I be a boyfriend when at the best of times I struggle to be a good friend?"

He closed his eyes, honestly not sure what Kakashi was expecting out of him, but it hurt. It hurt a lot. "That's not true. That's never been true."

He opened his eyes after a moment, but was just staring slightly to the left of Kakashi at first. "But words have never exactly been a thing that gets through so arguing with you isn't about to get me anywhere is it?"

He slid his gaze back to him, keeping his voice even and low, tightly controlled. "Just be clear with me Kakashi. Please."

"Never been true? Obito... it's more true today than it has been every time I've messed up in the past, every time I've hurt you or evaded you or let you down.." His voice was wavering now, the soft determination turning into a tone of desperation, inflected in the rising volume of his voice.

"I've been a terrible friend to you. But that stops today. I'm done with not listening and not talking. I'm finally opening up, so talk to me, argue with me. Tell me I'm wrong. If you have to see me as the brat I was at thirteen years old then so be it."

He wavered for a moment, swallowing thickly and fighting to hold onto his composure. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just do this? He bit down tighter on his emotions in return.

"I don't know what to say. I don't know what you intend to do. You're not... it's not clear what you want to do. You feel unequal, you aren't. I never had to worry about where I stood with you, because I always stood somewhere. Now I'm... not as sure. So tell me what this is.Don't confuse it in contradiction, okay?"

"I might be equal to the both of you in our friendship, but in terms of romantic intention, I am.." He sighed quietly, putting a hand into his hair, fingers gripping onto the fabric of his headband as he tried to puzzle out where Obito's head was at. "You and Gai have years of history behind you - you've practically been together all this time - and now I'm somehow in the mix?"

He shook his head a little and avoided looking at Obito as he spoke now. "It's not leaving me out if I'm not a part of this, you know. What would you be missing out on, after all? Having a boyfriend you can't even spend time with because he gets so paranoid that he'll mess up around you that he'd rather spend weeks at festivals, in neighboring villages.. This is the first fight we've had for a long time, and it's all because I can't handle anyone depending on me like that right now. I can't be that vulnerable..." He swallowed, then flicked his visible eye to Obito. "I can't be that vulnerable around you, at least not now."

"Are you saying you're done Kakashi?" It was hard, to show nothing one way or another, because this hurt. It hurt a lot. "Because I don't know what it changed, really, to notice something already there. It's not like I was asking you to jump into bed with me, and I know Gai wasn't either." He quieted, breathing carefully, focusing on the even pattern to settle himself, retreating behind calm. He'd gotten good at it, and it wasn't like this was any kind of place for him to be hurt.

That wouldn't be fair. "So if you don't want it, I guess I'll just have to accept that. Okay? But don't go throwing it in Gai's face if it's just me either, okay? I may have asked you both, but it's not like it wasn't something that hadn't been silently agreed on anyway." He flashed a brief, oddly even smile that was gone again as quickly. "I got impatient. Stupid of me."

It was all Kakashi could do to not stand up and smack Obito around the face for that.. but as he'd already learnt, anger didn't get him anywhere even when it was deserved. He could see this hurt Obito, and yet he was doing everything he could to bottle that up, and Kakashi hated it.
Though, sadistically, he supposed that this might have been exactly how Obito had felt whenever Kakashi had avoided talking about his feelings in the past. That hurt to think about.

"Don't you dare," Kakashi started. His eyebrow was drawn down into a glare, but his voice was uneven and sad-sounding rather than angry. At least he was looking at Obito again. "I told you this doesn't mean I'm not interested, but- I don't know. I can't be to you what Gai is to you. As far as I'm concerned, I don't match up. Gai makes you happy, and look what I do to you--" He waved a hand at Obito.

"I didn't want to come here and hurt you more, I just wanted to tell you that you should go and be happy with him, forget me being in the mix and take my blessing. And no, that isn't me being an emotional martyr here. You both mean the world to me, but the commitment this mess brought made me terrified of hurting you, and that fear made exactly what I was worried about come true. I hurt both of you - I avoided both of you. I don't want to do that anymore, but I can't stop myself as long as I'm in this mess. I'm not cut out for it, Obito."

He dipped his head then, bringing a hand up to press against his face. It was quivering some with how hard he was clinging to his emotions. "Do you have some confused idea that ducking out after I got you is somehow going to hurt me less Kakashi?"

This was turning into a mess, and as soon as he saw Obito's arm raise Kakashi's body seemed to move without thinking. He went straight over to the other, knelt before him and put a hand to his shoulder. There was probably a thousand ways he could have done this better, and he was sure that had he been a better man he would have cracked it... But unfortunately Obito had been unlucky enough to get him instead of someone halfway decent.

"Obito.. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to be honest with you."

The touch killed his resolve to hold onto his composure then and there, and a sob escaped him almost immediately, then another as he hid his face, unable to stop the tears from coming anymore. It hurt too much, and it just made him feel more terrible because he tried to be so good about this. He'd been trying so hard to let Kakashi just decide this without- without feeling guilty or something because of him.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't- I can't." He shifted, then threw his arms around his shoulders. "Please, I'm sorry."

Kakashi had been so sure, so resolute in the way he was going to approach this that he'd convinced himself into thinking it was foolproof... and now he was certain he'd only managed to wreck things even further.

"Don't apologize, you moron, this isn't on you it's me.." he whispered, shifting to hold Obito close about the shoulders. "Why can't you see that? It's nothing you've done or haven't done, it's all on me.."

He shook his head and dragged him closer, holding onto him tightly like that was going to make him change his mind even as he cried harder, twisting his fingers in the cloth of Kakashi's shirt like he was trying to keep him from escapng. First he pushed them away, fine, Kakashi did that, then he almost died, and he couldn't see or talk to him for weeks. Now this? He couldn't do it. He knew on some level he wasn't being left behind and abandoned by the person he'd managed to convince himself wouldn't do it, but it still felt like that.

And it felt like he'd done it to himself. "Don't leave. Please. Please."

Kakashi's heart broke with those words, the weight hitting him like a punch to the chest, stinging in his ribs and burning through him like a blade. Seeing Obito's tears always hurt, but knowing they were his fault? Nothing was painful like this was, and as Obito scrabbled to hold him closer Kakashi freely let him, pressing close to let the other soak what little comfort he could from him.

"I told you, you're too important to leave behind.." He had to pick his words carefully now.. It would be too easy to make this worse. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm still right here."

Kakashi might have gotten more careful, but Obito had lost all ability to do so himself. It was like Tenzou's visit had been a sort warm up for the real thing, because this was so so much worse. It hurt worse, it was harder to speak and not speak, and his resolve was broken into itty bitty bits by how hard it was to believe that when he'd braced himself for just that for weeks.

It was too hard, and when he started talking it was a rush of words, broken with half choked sobs so he could talk around them and augmented by the too tight hold. "You didn't say. You said you said and you didn't say. I just knew you were angry. At me. And told me to go away. And you were still hurt. You'd almost died and you were still hurt and you made me go away. But I went and I waited and I knew. And I'm sorry. I did try, I swear I tried but I couldn't, and it was so long and I couldn't and it went just like I thought." He was shaking his head again, now, half crawling off the chair to get closer as he kept talking. "Was going to be good about it because it was my fault. If you decided to just stay away but it's too hard Kakashi and I can't, and I'm sorry because I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't. I wasn't going to do that to you."

"I'm sorry. Just don't go away please. I can't. I can't anymore."

Kakashi's arms went properly around Obito, his pushing up so he could almost cradle the man into his arms. He held him close, tight, protective; vowing silently to catch every piece of Obito that fell away as he crumbled.

"I'll admit was angry with you for a while, but more than anything I was just hurt. You said yourself I deserved to be angry, and I did. For a while. But I still shouldn't have left like I did, I shouldn't have hurt you like that."

It was difficult. Kakashi knew he had needed the time away from Obito to sort his head out, but the break had made Obito paranoid and scared. Kakashi thought this talk had come too soon, but if he'd left it any longer the effects might have been worse.. and if Kakashi had put off talking to him about their relationship until after he'd made amends for his anger.. then he would have been right back at square one again - skittish and uncertain and uncomfortable. There was no easy way out of this, and Kakashi wished he had a magic wand to wave to find the solution without all this heartache and tears.

"I won't go away again. Believe me, Obito. I didn't enjoy it. I missed you. I missed you so much, but I needed to clear my head, I needed to understand.. Please don't think it was easy.."

Edited 2014-11-08 10:26 (UTC)

"S'my fault. All of it. All of it all of it." He seemed to run out of words, or maybe he was just crying too hard now to really speak at all, but he just burrowed close to him, shaking with the force of his sobs and hiding against him. He was by no means ignoring what Kakashi was saying. It was just so hard to believe him at the moment. Too much, too difficult.

Kakashi knew there were things he still had to say and make sure Obito understood, but at that moment he couldn't care less. All he wanted to do was hold his friend close, dry his tears and make him alright again.. It seemed an impossible feat to accomplish, but he was determined to try.

His voice was firm when he spoke, just like the close hold he gathered Obito up in. "It isn't. You can't take the blame for this."

His voice was hushed, fragile but insistent, next time he found it, a few struggling breaths needed to get there, but he still managed. "Did everything wrong Kakashi. Everything."

He lifted his head to look at him, and he had to fight to still himself a little, but he accomplished it. Somewhat. Not even close to enough to stop the tears, but enough that he could give him a bleak little smile instead of a sob. Neither circumstance lasted past his words. "And chased you away."

Not for the first time Kakashi found himself wondering what was worse - Obito's sad smiles or the crying itself.. As he looked back into Obito's face he felt his broken heart disintegrate a little more, and he instinctively lifted a hand so he could brush away the tears about to drip from Obito's chin with a gloved hand.

"Don't take this guilt on so willingly, Obito. You don't need to, it isn't your fault that I'm too afraid of messing up to let myself be with you," he paused and then added, "With both of you."

His paranoia around public displays of affection and his inexperience aside, the real problem lay in the fact that despite the name and Gai's declarations, Kakashi felt like Obito had two boyfriends, not that they were boyfriends together. If it had been someone - anyone - else, then Kakashi might not have had such a problem with it... But it was Gai and Kakashi knew all too well how much his rival loved Obito, and how much - despite Obito never admitting it - that Obito loved Gai too.
It was obvious to Kakashi that Gai didn't love him the same way, and obvious that Obito was confusing the attraction he felt for Kakashi with the honest, real love he had with Gai. He couldn't let himself be a part of something that had been a long time coming, that he had no right to weigh in on.

In all honesty he could probably formulate some kind of solution, eventually. He was sure one had to exist and would given some clear thinking... But Obito was his focus right now, that could wait.

His hand found the crown of Obito's head, fingers brushing through his wild hair. "I'm still here, moron. I'm still right here, and I always will be. Don't you think I'd have already left if I was intending to leave you, if you'd chased me away?"

"You're going to play keep away from me now. I know you will. Because you think it would help somehow. It won't. It won't at all. I rushed things and ruined it. Got impulsive." He stared at his covered chin, sobs quieting but it was a sort of exhausted passivity, not any kind of peace.

"But you'll do what you'll do and won't believe anything I tell you. And I'll miss what you decide you shouldn't do anymore and then one day everything will just be gone. So see? I ruined everything because now I won't have any of you when before I at least had some of you, then maybe all of you, and now you're going to slowly take it all away and pretend it's for my own good somehow when it's really not."

Again Kakashi had to swallow that instinctive urge to smack Obito, especially now when his hands were so close to him.

"Don't tell me what I'll do like you can see the future. I've learnt through making mistakes, and I've made enough of them to know that avoiding you now is the last thing you need. Besides, I don't want to avoid you. Why should I? What good would it do? Make me into a liar, make my honesty sour, deprive me of a friend and of someone I care about? I don't want that. I don't want to avoid you. I meant what I said, I missed you, I missed you so much it was a chore to keep away from you, but I needed to do it so that I could let my head process everything."

"But I'm back now, and I'm not leaving again no matter how many times you say I will, or how loyally you believe it. Please have some faith in me, I promise I won't make you regret it; I won't let you down this time."

"You're the one saying that you're not equal so you shouldn't be involved. Maybe you're right. But that's just because you're stupid. I'd pick you over Gai if I had to Kakashi. Every time. Do you really not understand that at all? I don't want to. I want to be greedy and not have to worry about if the people I love are going to go off and find people they love better. I never thought I had to worry about that with you, so maybe it was selfish of me to think that you'd just be there, but I figured if Gai didn't get tired of fussing around with me and wander off to steal you, everything would be fine okay."

He gave a weak laugh that was half sob. "Don't you get that you were the only person, out of everyone I have, that was always mine? Everyone else belonged to someone else more. Everybody. Is it really so hard to get that the idea of losing that terrifies me?"

He couldn't hold it back.

His hand lashed out suddenly and smacked Obito right across the cheek. The sound echoed through the room like a firecracker; sudden and loud and horrible, and then silent again.
As soon as he'd done it, Kakashi threw himself forward, arms gripping tight around Obito's neck as he pushed his face in close, hiding his eyes, praying Obito wouldn't feel the damp trickling from his visible one.

"You god-damn moron.." he breathed, and if Obito hadn't felt the tears by now he'd know from the way Kakashi's voice wobbled that he was crying. "How dare you think I'd let you lose me that easily, how dare you think that I won't just always be here for you.. and how dare you act as though Gai would ever pick someone else over you," He hiccuped a sob, held Obito a little tighter. "Especially me."

"He loves you so much, he's yours, and all you have to do is let him in-- You don't have to worry about it, you don't have to be afraid that letting him in will mean you can't have me.." He paused, gave a gentle laugh that turned into a hiccuped sob. "You'll always have me, Obito. I can't escape that even if I wanted to, and I don't.. I was content how we were. All the unsaid, all the subtlety, it worked for me, and everything we've done recently would be fine as long as I wasn't-... I-.. I can't be your boyfriend. For both of our sakes, and Gai's..." He trailed off, voice weak. He didn't know what he was saying because he wasn't thinking about it; he'd given up, let his mouth open and his words fall out unabashed along with his tears that seemed a long time coming despite the fact that he'd only cried a few days ago.

The slap made him twitch away enough that Kakashi could get under his chin, but he didn't push him back, just hugging him harder instead as he took in the words, actually fighting to really get them this time. It was hard, and he gave a watery laugh. "Asshole. You slapped me."

He rubbed his face against his hair, sniffling and trying to quiet his own distress. He was finding it easier now that Kakashi wasn't hanging onto his own composure anymore. "Maybe you forgot but for a long time he didn't even see me as a person when he looked at you." He hugged him tighter, letting out a shaky breath. "And maybe I just wanted to be allowed to kiss you too."

Kakashi didn't respond for a while after that. Instead he just pressed his face closer, his eyes shut tight as if it would keep the tears in. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried in front of Obito, and that thought only seemed to make him feel worse about it.. He refused to move even when his spine started to hurt from the awkward angle they were in, and only pulled back when finally his tears died away and the only sign that he'd been crying was the slight quiver of his breath.

As much as he wanted to keep the gentle tone in Obito's voice, the way he was holding him - and gods he didn't realize how comforting the hold was till he was wrapped up in it - he knew he couldn't leave their conversation there.

"I know you had a lot of people leave you when I left ANBU. Rin, Tenzou..." he looked up at Obito then as if to say 'yes, I know about that' before he continued. "I was back in the village, but I shut you out for a long time. We left, we let you down, and the only person who was there for you was Gai. He didn't let you down. He never has, and he never will."

Gai was the greatest constant in Kakashi's life. He was someone Kakashi trusted implicitly, admired and respected, and all that regardless of any complicated emotions he may or may not have had for the man... So therefore he couldn't quite wrap his head around the notion that Obito didn't trust him, didn't believe that every word that came out of Gai's mouth was the honest, unthinking truth; that Gai wouldn't ever dream of lying to or hurting anyone, but especially not Obito.

"He wasn't there for you because he had to be, because you were my friend or because he pitied you.. He was there for you because he wanted to be, and that's exactly why he's here for you now. Gai doesn't love me like he loves you... he's in love with you, there's a difference. It's so clear to see, I wish you could understand that.." Kakashi paused, finally lifting his chin to look at Obito. "Don't doubt your relationship with Gai, please. Don't doubt him. He doesn't deserve that.."

"But that's why I couldn't do it. I was so afraid that giving in to the selfish part of me that wanted you to kiss me too, was betraying Gai and his feelings for you."

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