sunshineverse | [Closed] Some people will surprise you..

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[Closed] Some people will surprise you..

Who: Yamato and Gai

When: 10th October - Early evening

Where: Gai’s apartment

What: Yamato finally approaches Gai about the fight

Yamato’s evening with Obito had been more of a revelation than he’d expected and it was with that in mind, that he finally dropped by Gai’s home on his way back from the training grounds.

He knew that the Jounin was still resting from the injuries he’d sustained on mission and hoped to catch him for long enough to explain himself and to apologise.

As he neared the door, he couldn't help but sigh; with any luck, the events of the past month or so would not have soured Gai’s opinion of him, but there was always that doubt and given his status as Neji’s mentor, well… It didn't rest will with Yamato to leave this conversation any longer.

Chakra unmasked, he knocked firmly on the closed surface before him and settled with his hands behind his back to wait.

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Gai had no reason to pretend in front of Yamato, because even if he told Obito and Kakashi that Gai had been exercising too much for his 'recovery,' well, it was not as if they probably didn't really know that already. It was not necessary try to keep up appearances of behaving the doctor's orders for a man he didn't know that well.

He opened the door dressed in his suit without the vest, the evidence of his training still littering his floor. "Ah, Yamato." There didn't seem to be any urgency in the other man, so it was hopefully not an emergency, though Gai could think of no reason for the visit. Neji's training, perhaps, but was Gai really supposed to know about ANBU training? And if it was about the incident with Kakashi...Gai wasn't sure he wanted to discuss that right now. It was still rather raw and touchy for him. "This is unexpected."

Gai stared at him a moment before manners dawned on him and he held the door open wider, smiling in greeting. "Please, come in."

Yamato nodded and followed Gai inside, only pausing to remove his sandals as he did so.
"Thank you, Gai-san. I hope I'm not interrupting anything important.."

He glanced around a little self-consciously, noting the evidence of Gai's recent training and resolving to at least not over stay his welcome.

"Oh, no. Just training." It was tempting to throw in something extremely petty about it being because of the rivalry, because he was Kakashi's Rival, but Gai was not going to do that. He was convinced he was above it and that it was just the anger talking.

He closed the door behind Yamato, ushering him in to have a seat. "Is there anything I can get you? A glass of water, perhaps?"

"Ah, no. Thank you though.."
He settled onto the couch, doing his best to relax, but there was a tension that had his instincts on high alert and it was proving difficult to continue with the usual social pleasantries. Forging through the feeling, Yamato resolved to just cut straight to the point.

"Even so, I'll try not to keep you." He took a breath and lifted his gaze to meet Gai's "I- Well..I'm here to apologise. My latest mission gave me ample time to think, probably too much actually but, I've realised that, the uh, disagreement? between myself and Kakashi, affected far more than just ourselves and that, it could be interpreted as me pushing myself into roles that are most definitely not mine to fill.."

The words were difficult to form clearly, but his eye contact never wavered; he needed Gai to know how sincere he was being. "..I'm sorry if you felt that I was trespassing on yours and Kakashi-senpai's rivalry.. It was never my intention."

So many visits lately for such difficult topics.

He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. Gai didn't sit; he paced around the room a little. Yamato was sorry for how Gai felt? In Gai's opinion, he should be sorry about what he did. "I understand it was probably not your intention, and Kakashi explained to me that this was a thing you two did before. But that does not change the fact that you nearly killed my Rival."

Gai let those words hang in the air a moment.

"What you and Kakashi do--" Is my concern. He was not going to spare Yamato from that guilt. Unlike with Kakashi, Gai didn't have the connection to or the protectiveness of this man to worry so much about picking words to spare a guilt complex and--ANBU aside--Yamato was, technically, his junior ninja. That actually gave him the freedom to respond how he felt, to not mince words. Gai was not a man who easily planned his words. At times like this, he spoke best from the heart, in the moment, often figuring things out as he went.

"A Rivalry is a strong and passionate bond between men," he could not help but wax poetic. "If Kakashi let you trespass into that role, it is a betrayal of that bond by him." Kakashi loved him, though. Gai knew that. It still hurt. He sighed. "Yamato, I do not know if you realize this, but where emotions are concerned, you must often do the thinking for Kakashi. So, what I think bothers me most is not that you overstepped the bounds into my Rivalry with him. It is that when you stepped into that role, you did not take care of him the way I think you should have."

Given that they had both survived, Yamato had reversed the order of his apology, though that particular near miss had been next on his lips, but Gai's judgement of Kakashi brought him up short; do senpai's thinking for him? were on earth had that idea come from? Kakashi wasn't a child.

He bit back his initial reaction for the moment though and forged on, honest to a fault.

"Kakashi-senpai didn't let me, I provoked him and I wasn't kind with it." That was sore to admit to, but Yamato had been hurting too that day and though he felt guilty, he wouldn't take back the result.

".. And with all due respect, Gai-san, it's always felt as if Senpai thinks too much. He broods and over complicates and thinks himself in circles to the point of ruin. The only time his mind clears, is during combat and that's how our fights originated." He took a breath, gaze emploring as he looked up at Gai.

"The mistake I made that day, was in not approaching him with a clear head. I lost my temper and my sense and for that I could not be more sorry. I almost robbed yourself and Obito of a most precious person, all because I was incapable of dealing with my own hurts before I went to him.. "

If he had died that day, few would have moured, he had no illusions of that, but Kakashi was cherished by many and Yamato had almost thrown away, not only his friends trust, but also the mans life; all for the sake of a vindictive need to not be the only one hurting.
It was something that would haunt him for a good many years to come and a mistake we would never make again.

Brooding was different than thinking, he wanted to argue. And if Kakashi only thought clearly in battle, then what happened? Because battle nearly cost him his life and one of them--one of them--should have thought clearly enough to call it off. But neither did. No one thought about the consequences of their actions. They over-thought and brooded and made themselves miserable and angry; their emotions were a jumble and their heads were fogged by it, but they did not really think. They had blinders on. Gai had to bite his tongue. He didn't want to ask anyone to baby Kakashi or treat him with kit gloves, but Kakashi and emotions had a rocky relationship and Gai wanted people to look out for Kakashi's best interests. Gai was selfish, stubborn. He didn't care as much about Yamato. He cared about Kakashi. Of the two, Kakashi was the one he was more keen to protect.

But things were fixing themselves with Kakashi and Obito and Gai, despite his stubbornness and his hotheadedness, maybe needed to bury the hatchet on this one. He needed to believe Yamato had learned from his mistakes, even if Gai really wanted to punch him through the wall because since Kakashi's visit a few days ago, maybe Gai just really needed to punch something.

Ironically, that was what started this mess.

Ah, Gai needed to train badly. He took a seat opposite Yamato.

"Yamato. What is done is done." This was all very draining, but Gai gave him a firm look and his tone, while not threatening, was stern. "But you are the senpai now to someone very special to me. I think of him like a son. And while I trust your skills, and I trust Obito and Kakashi's assessment of your judgement, and what I have seen of you so far is a man who is generally level-headed and calm... I expect you to now approach every mission, every training session, everything with a clear head. Regardless of what might cause you to lose your temper, or might cause him to lose his, Neji is now your ward, your kohai, and I expect you to take care of him."

ANBU were distinctly charged with doing the dirty work for the village, while remaining unattached and distant. Gai wasn't sure that a man like Yamato, nice as he seemed but who had spent his practically entire life behind the mask of ANBU, could fully appreciate the connections, the importance of precious people or that they were everything Gai had. Did Yamato even have anyone aside from Kakashi? If he even valued Kakashi that way? But Gai hoped he could appeal to the ANBU's sense of duty, at the very least. Neji was now Yamato's duty.

Edited 2014-11-13 08:06 (UTC)

"This is exactly why I had to come to you today.." Yamato was painfully aware that there was more at stake here than just Gai's opinion of him; if his conduct and ability as a Shinobi came into question off the back of this, he didn't know what he'd do.

"Our fight was singular in that, we've never approached our previous bouts with an intent to hurt. In ANBU, they were almost scripted. Knowing when to push, when to back off, when to distract, how much pressure to apply to which joints, which jutsu was enough or too much- all with the intent to enrage and exhaust each other to finally talk or sleep, or simply not think for a precious few moments, in an environment where you didn't have to fight for you life at the end.."

Just thinking about the difference in how they had fought recently and the times past, made him sick with nostalgia; the familiarity and synergy Yamato had found along side Kakashi, was something he missed greatly and even if it had only come from sheer exposure to one another, he had yet to find it again elsewhere.

"I hope that you of all people, understand the practice of exhausting the body to relieve the mind and that was, in it's most basic sense, what we did to burn off the frustrations that come with being ANBU..with being a Shinobi.."

It felt like a betrayal to even be discussing this, that in revealing aspects of the dynamic he and Kakashi had shared, he was somehow abusing his former captain's trust; but Gai had to understand, or at least be given enough honesty to make up his own mind in the end, whatever the outcome.

Yamato had begun to lean in with his explanation and took a moment to correct his posture, but kept his gaze focused on Gai.
"..On my honour as a Shinobi of the leaf, Gai-san, I can swear to you that my relationship with Kakashi is the exception and not the rule. I have never, nor would ever endanger Neji or any other agent placed under my command in such a reckless manner."

This was it, the last he could offer Gai in apology or reassurance and pursed his lips before he could say more.

He understood, at least, what Yamato meant about exhausting oneself to relieve the mind and burn frustrations, even if at the moment, with all the pent up emotions, it did feel a bit like another cruel twist of the knife in his gut, the one that stabbed him and reminded him just how inaccessible ANBU Kakashi was to him, how dark that void was that Gai could not bridge.

"I will have to trust in your honor, then."

He was going to leave it at that, but then considered again what Yamato had said about the frustrations and dealing with ANBU--dealing with being a Shinobi--and he thought back to the early days of their Rivalry, sparring Kakashi to overcome him, and finding an outlet in each other, finding a groove between them: Knowing when to push, when to back off, when to distract. It had been exactly that. That had been their friendship in the beginning. That was precious to Gai. He didn't really want to share it. He had never wanted to share it. But it was probably too late to have a say in that anymore. He just wanted to be sure it was being shared right, and maybe, selfishly, wanted to understand what he couldn't have a part in, what Yamato had with Kakashi. It was both so similar and so different from what Gai knew, yin to yang.

"...And I do understand sparring and the tension it can help relieve," he admitted. He would never, ever, fight like they had, though, even if Kakashi provoked him. "Sometimes that is what challenges are for me." The light-side version of this ANBU sparring thing. "So, what exactly are you and Kakashi to each other? I know he is your senpai, but what does that mean to you?" He wasn't threatening, though, and his tone wasn't even critical now. It was mostly an attempt to understand. Rivalry, after all, didn't exactly have a textbook definition in Gai's book; neither, he assumed, did senpai for Yamato. Kakashi, Yamato said himself, was the exception.

The admittance of trust was enough to relieve the tension in his frame..but it came right back again with a vengeance at Gai's next question.
He couldn't mask the surprise or how much it caught him off guard and he visibly floundered for an answer.
"..What we are? I, well- I mean, I can't speak for Kakashi-senpai..you'd have to ask him yourself but.." Yamato dropped his gaze, trying to come up with an explanation without making more of a complete fool of himself than he already was.

"We were friends- are friends? I-" He pursed his lips in frustration; so much of what he thought of Kakashi, was past tense and even then, all he had to go on were unspoken moments, routines and behaviours, that could point to anything in the spectrum of labels between them; but after a moment, he took in a breath and forced himself calm, laying out what little he could for Gai to inspect.

"..Kakashi was one of the first people I ever trusted and not just with my life- that part was easy- I trusted him with my thoughts, with aspects of myself that I'd been trained not to share with anyone. So I considered him a friend..a very dear one." That was probably the understatement of the year, considering what it had felt like to think he'd lost the Jounin, but no one else needed to see that weakness and he rubbed distractedly at his chin, re-lacing his fingers before continuing.
"But he's a comrade also, someone I respect greatly, as well as a past mentor..Even if he never recognised me as any sort of actual Kouhai, it was my way of showing I was thankful that he stuck by me.."

Yamato had no idea where the words were coming from; these were things that he had never discussed with anyone else, but under Gai's steady gaze, each thought scrambled out while it had the chance.

"There was a time when there was no one else I would have preferred to have at my back in a battle, but I accepted a long time ago that it couldn't be that way any more and I don't expect that now. Whatever the root or meaning of our fights, I know now that they should have stayed back there, in the past..and it's not something that I plan to ever let happen again."

That final part was said with his eyes on Gai, trying to convey that he wasn't expecting anything of Kakashi and more importantly, was no kind of threat to the Rivalry he knew they both held dear. Yamato had developed ways to cope in the interim anyway; trips to the grove were favourite and there were several parts of the forest surrounding the village now, so thick with tree growth, that it was a wonder travellers found them at all.

A wry smile touched his lips at the thought and he shrugged, mind finally unwilling to offer anything more.
"Now though? I guess we're fellow Shinobi, with history together and too much baggage, but I would like to consider him a friend. He's still my closest tie on this side of the village after all.."

Yamato's words hit a tender spot for Gai, speaking in many ways to his own bond with Kakashi. That youth, that uncertainty, that closeness. Even just that need for closeness, despite ANBU. Gai couldn't understand not being able to be that close with someone, freely. No wonder Yamato was making such poor decisions, having to restrain himself like that was ridiculous. It was stifling one's humanity, one's life-force and youth! (Yamato needed a Rival--but not Kakashi. Gai was not sharing!)

Surely because of this relationship Yamato understood Gai's point of view, and Gai's desire to be protective of Kakashi (even to the point of selfishness; there was, after all, selfishness in Yamato's choices)? At least he accepted that Kakashi had to move past this point, that he couldn't keep a foot in both ANBU and village life, straddling the fence, and continue that way. It wouldn't work. Kakashi had to settle where he belonged: as a member of the village, not as ANBU and not fighting Yamato in dangerous bouts to deal with the tension of not choosing his place. Hopefully this would be resolved, or as resolved as Kakashi ever was.

He felt a little bit of kinship to Yamato, begrudgingly. They weren't so different. They both loved Kakashi dearly. It was just hard, because Gai was selfish, Kakashi was so wholly important to Gai, and he could see in Yamato a bit of Kakashi and thus what Kakashi might be drawn to. And it felt like there were so many parcels of Kakashi divided out to other people, things these people (Obito, Rin, Yamato, Minato...etc etc etc) could give Kakashi that Gai somehow couldn't. Obito was his teammate, his eye, his life. Yamato was his ANBU, his service to Konoha. Minato, his mentor. ...And Gai? He felt inadequate for his greatest friend.

Those were not thoughts he wanted to have in front of Yamato.

He offered Yamato a soft smile and put aside the thoughts. "I hope he continues to tie you to this side of the village." That was a difficult spot to be in. Maybe it was not a good position for Kakashi, when Kakashi himself still needed to be grounded. But as much as Gai didn't know, or particularly like, Yamato, he also had strong feelings against ANBU. It was hard to suggest someone, anyone, just go back to that organization without something keeping them here, in the village. He would get lost...more than he had already.

"I do not want you to let go of your friendship and close bond--I would never ask that. But I am hopeful that your bond never again puts either of you into a position to aid each other through something so dangerous. That is not what friendship means." Perhaps, had Yamato spent less time in ANBU's darkness, he could remember that. Or know it. Gai was unsure how much time Yamato actually spent outside of ANBU at all. ANBU seemed to twist one's perceptions of bonds, or of solutions to emotional issues, and Gai was hopeful Neji never went that deep into it. His young Hyuuga had a good head on his shoulders, and, perhaps more importantly, a strong will. He would be grounded. Hopefully. "I know what it is like to be willing to do anything for Kakashi, I do. But there are better ways to help him. And if you cherish Kakashi as much as I see you do, I know you will find a way."

He gave an encouraging thumbs up. Yamato needed it. Gai needed it, too.

"There was a time when all we did was aid each other through dangerous times or impossible situations..old habits die hard, I guess, or perhaps I was wrong.."

Gai seemed so certain of what friendship meant and his assessment cracked fissures in the what Yamato had been holding onto. Was everything of his relationship with Kakashi, just about ANBU? A tie of convenience for the older Jounin, or just the indulgence of a sheltered, eager boy?

Their career was fresh in his mind then; nigh on seven years of their lives, spent in both survival and routine, serving one of the best records to date of any paired agents. Had the quiet moments in between, the conversations and closeness, meant less for it?

His mind shied away from what that could mean, of what it meant if Gai was right.
Doubt wasn't an emotion that Yamato liked to entertain often, but right now it swirled, ugly and thick around memories that had been his fondest and he disliked everything about it.

None of this passed across his face, however and only someone who knew him well would pick up on the strain in his voice or the tension around the smile he flashed in return, lifting his head as if roused from consideration of Gai's words.

"Ah, but accidentally killing each other is definitely off the agenda from now on." Yamato rubbed self consciously at his neck, suppressing a wry chuckle "Thank you for being honest, Gai-san.. I don't exactly have all that much to offer Kakashi-senpai anymore, but as you say, there's bound to be something better."

Better than interactions and routines that were five years out of date and made redundant in light of the ties that Kakashi already had, whatever it was, Gai was right, he'd find it.

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[Closed] Some people will surprise you..

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//I am sorry for the lateness and I am extra sorry if this doesn't work

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